To Closer magazine, where Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia and her gentleman caller Lembit Opik break what feels like a six minute silence in the interests of promoting The Cheeky Girls' new single, I'm Too Sexy - an assertion the record-buying public will no doubt be the withering judge of.
First up, Lembit (who moonlights as Lib Dem MP for Montgomeryshire) is moved to clear up a number of confusions that have dogged the couple's exhibitionist, visa-humping union since it began.
To wit: Gabriela's twin sister Monica "doesn't sleep in the same bed as us". Those tempted to respond with the inquiry "in which case, what's the point of going out with a twin, you repressed old bore?" are directed to Lembit's next assertion: that it's all a meeting of minds.
"We actually talk more about philosophy and social concepts now than we've ever done," he claims. "People who say we're intellectual opposites don't know us, and people who do know us don't say that."
Are you listening, Lib Dems? Your frontbench spokesman for business is the intellectual equal of a Cheeky Girl. Get back to your constituencies and prepare for government!
But soft! Their Socratic dialogues are tinged with the awkwardness that only mangled plastic surgery can bring, as Gabi reveals that both she and her sister Monica suffered botched boob jobs - you suspect the cavalier hand of a Transylvanian butcher - which have left their nipples declining to concur on which direction to point.
"At first I was worried about telling Lembit," she explains, as though the MP - memorably described by Allison Pearson as looking "like Bruce Forsyth's mad nephew" - might have reacted by ditching her and promptly enticing Beyonce away from Jay-Z. "But when I told him, he didn't laugh or tease me, he'd never do that. He understood. Luckily he doesn't love me for my boobs, he loves me as a person and it hasn't been a problem. Put it this way, he hasn't had cause to complain! - "
YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT, LOVE.
Happily, though, matching corrective surgery has now been planned - for Gabriela and Monica, obviously, not Lembit. In this interview at least, he has stopped shy of revealing in which direction his nipples point, though on current form the revelation can only be moments away.
