FIFA: TAKING CARE OF BIDNESS
How much corruption is too much corruption? The Fiver doesn’t know, but Fifa seems to have a handle on it. When world football’s governing body decided to investigate itself for awarding the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar respectively, nobody was realistically expecting them to find themselves guilty of any kind of skulduggery. Having appointed former New York district attorney Michael Garcia to compile a secret 430-page report into the bidding processes, Fifa then got their Ethics Committee apparatchik Hans-Joachim Eckert to publish his own summary of Garcia’s report. Daubed in whitewash across the front wall of Fifa’s Zurich HQ with a big brush, it read: “MOVE ALONG! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!” OK, so the Fiver’s paraphrasing slightly; what Eckert actually said was that, while the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups was a little bit corrupt, it certainly wasn’t corrupt enough to merit any action so sensible as taking the tournaments away from the two countries involved and restaging the process.
Once Eckhart decided that Garcia had decided there was no evidence whatsoever to suggest any link between Qatar’s successful bid and the squillions of dollars in bribes paid to various Fifa officials by a Qatari colleague for no reason whatsoever, he concluded by describing the bidding process that had been investigated as “well thought out, robust and professional” before welcoming the fact that “a degree of closure” had been reached over the matter. The reaction? Proper Journalists everywhere switched their BS-detectors to 11 and set about rubbishing his claims, while in the public relations equivalent of a dog whistling innocently while walking away from an amber puddle on the kitchen floor, Fifa promptly sent out a press release about the heartwarming legacy of South Africa 2010: “Corruption? What corruption? Look! Smiling street urchins! We did that!”
But if Fifa might have considered the matter of closed, their own snoop did not. Having had his investigation hampered by uncooperative and often unavailable witnesses, not to mention mysteriously wiped Russian computers among other obstacles, Garcia promptly came out swinging haymakers. “Today’s decision by the chairman of the adjudicatory chamber contains numerous materially incomplete and erroneous representations of the facts and conclusions detailed in the investigatory chamber’s report,” said Garcia, who said he will launch an appeal to Fifa’s ethics committee, who will promptly reject it out of hand. Fifa have yet to respond to his claims, but may do so by getting Sepp Blatter to hold up a photo of a grinning elephant playing keepie-uppie on Table Mountain.
Having exonerated themselves of any ethical shortcomings, Fifa also decided to lecture others on their lack of moral probity, aiming several pot-shots at their old friends in the Football Association for the manner in which they went about bidding for the 2018 World Cup. Getting stuck into them for the manner in which they degraded themselves by attempting to cosy up to disgraced former Fifa official Jack Warner in the style of a pole-dancing Alan Partridge. As criticism goes it was thoroughly deserved, even if it does smack of being lectured on anti-social drunken behaviour by a committee chaired by Father Jack Hackett. Unlike international footballers attempting to play in Qatari’s 50-degree heat, Fifa’s latest embarrassment looks set to run and run.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“At West Ham he plays behind the strikers and that is not his position. He is a centre-forward and if there is a team out there willing to let him play in his natural role, then we will be very happy to consider it … At this time you could get Zarate for a much lower price than he is really worth. Anyone who decides to go for him will certainly be getting a bargain” – Mauro Zarate’s Mr 15%, Luis Ruzzi, fails to add that they’ll also be getting a player whose Mr 15% will throw a strop on his behalf if he’s not being played exactly where he wants.
VOTE OF CONFIDENCE OF THE DAY
9 November 2014: “There is nothing wrong with the manager … I spoke with Uwe on Friday and I told him I was 100% behind him. He needs support from everyone, and he will get it” – Wigan owner Dave Whelan gives his support to manager Uwe Rösler.
13 November 2014: “Something is clearly not working … Therefore, I have now come to the reluctant conclusion that for the long term good of the club, we need a change” – Wigan owner Dave Whelan, after sacking manager Uwe Rösler today.
THE SECRET FOOTBALLER’S GUIDE TO THE MODERN GAME – EXCLUSIVE OFFER FOR FIVER READERS
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A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
Big Website has got a new YouTube football channel. Subscribe today! And there’s also a new app for iOS and Android – details of the football offering are here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Interesting to hear the news that Morocco have been disqualified from the 2015 Africa Cup of Nations by Caf, having refused to host the tournament due to fears over the spread of Ebola. Currently ravaging Africa, globally despised and liable to contaminate anyone it comes into contact with … the Confederation of African Football is the administrative body for African football” – Daniel Doody.
“David Moyes, manager of Real Sociedad? Go home Football Manager 2015, you’re drunk!” – Simon Withey.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Daniel Doody who wins a copy of Football Manager 2015, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got more copies to give away this month, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Ireland manager Martin O’Neill says he fully supports Roy Keane after the latter’s alleged hotel altercation.
OOF! Andros Townsend has pulled out of the England squad due to ankle-ouch.
POW! Mesut Özil says he won’t return from his knee-ligament-twang until January.
SPLAT! Eric Dier has withdrawn from the England Under-21 squad due to not-playing-the-position-I-want knack.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
James Horncastle rounds up the weekend action in Serie A.
RECOMMENDED ATTENDING
Join James Richardson, Barry Glendenning, James Horncastle and John Ashdown for a night of puns and punditry at Football Weekly: Live in London on Wednesday 3 December. Click here for tickets and a scarily large photo of AC Jimbo’s face.
STILL WANT MORE?
In the first of a new series, David Squires makes the Fiver look bad by being both funny and insightful in the space of a few pencil strokes.
Football Weekly Extraaaaaaa is here.
Proper Journalist David Conn on Fifa’s warped idea of integrity.
This week’s Classic YouTube, featuring England v Scotland classics and the Iron Maiden football crossover.
The Puskás Award to mainstream for you? Here’s what all the cool kids are reading: an alternative shortlist of 20 goals that missed out.
On the Sport Network: How Northern Ireland came within 10 minutes of qualifying for Euro 1984.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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