Be thankful for small mercies. In a not-so-parallel universe, it would have been Andrea Leadsom speaking to world leaders at Davos. Just imagine. “As a mother, we need a globalisation that works for everyone. As a mother, we want an EU that works for everyone. Just not for us.” But what the World Economic Forum was spared, the Commons wasn’t. Rather it just had to console itself with the thought that at least environment, food and rural affairs questions only comes round once a month.
Five months on, it’s easy to forget just how close Leadsom came to becoming the prime minister. Having seen off Liam Fox, Stephen Crabb and Michael Gove, she was the Brexiteers choice – the sight of Tim Loughton and Theresa Villiers marching on parliament from a Leadsom rally shouting, “What do we want?” “Andrea Leadsom!” “When do we want her?” “Sometime in September!” remains one of the more surreal images of last summer – as Theresa May was seen as a remoaning lightweight. Then Leadsom managed to self-destruct by choosing to open her mouth while May kept hers firmly closed.
It might have been a kindness had May just allowed Leadsom to return to the backbenches where her talents more naturally lie. Instead, either as an act of infinite sadism or misguided magnanimity, she appointed her to the cabinet as Defra secretary. Leadsom has the permanently startled air of someone who would be out of her depth as a presenter on an online shopping channel and is unable to talk in anything but the most meaningless platitudes.
“Hill farmers play a critical role not just in producing high-quality food, but in delivering environmental benefits for all the public in our beautiful landscapes,” she said in answer to a question from Labour’s Helen Goodman. “Leaving the EU gives us a great opportunity to look again at their contribution to delivering our very clear twin ambitions to have both a world-leading food and farming industry and, at the same time, a better environment for future generations.”
Understandably, no one on the Labour benches found this blandness terribly reassuring, and tried to press her on which, if any, of the EU food standards regulations she was proposing to keep – chlorinated chickens from the US, anyone? – and what plans she had both to prevent New Zealand farmers dumping cheap meat in the UK and to stop UK farmers from paying tariffs to flog their meat to EU countries. Leadsom smiled beatifically and ad-libbed. Everything was going to be just great because Brexit was going to be great. Everyone just needed to trust her a bit more. With nothing else to say, her smile grew a little wider. And then she sat down.
Recognising his boss was already well out of her depth with the warm-up questions, the junior minister George Eustice decided he would have to take one for the team. Only the previous week, Leadsom had told an audience of farmers that they would definitely be able to carry on hiring unskilled EU workers to do the jobs Brits won’t get out of bed for, so it wasn’t long before some of the more enquiring MPs asked how this squared with the prime minister’s pledge to control immigration.
Having grown up on a farm and worked in the farming industry for 10 years, Eustice was keen to point out he was an old hand at the advantages of exploiting cheap eastern European labour. He was sure that allowances would be made for seasonal workers. At which point Crabb, still smarting at being considered a worse bet than Leadsom last July, observed that many farmers could only make ends meet by using EU labour throughout the year.
Thanks for that, said Eustice through gritted teeth. Leadsom just smiled. Britain had voted to take back control of immigration and that’s what it would get. Even if it meant just as many people coming into the country. Smile.
