SCANDINAVIAN DOGS AND HAPLESS LIONS
After Sweden’s very convenient late equaliser against Portugal ensured that both sides progress from their European Under-21 Championship group at the expense of Italy and England, the Italian forward Stefano Sturaro tweeted furiously that “dogs celebrate on the corpses of lions, thinking they’ve won, but lions remain lions and dogs are still dogs”. This is not an obscure Italian idiom meaning something akin to “fair play, the best team won”, but rather actual genuine lion-and-dog-based invective.
And so the European Under-21 hierarchy is becoming clear: dogs beat lions, while three lions are a uniquely inauspicious combination. Really, you’d have thought that multiple lions would be pretty hard to beat, blessed as they are with the ability to work with pace, determination, teamwork, sharp claws and impressive canines. But these are young, male lions, used to lazing around in the sun all day while someone else does the hunting. In the final analysis, the only really impressive canines are those Swedish so-called dogs.
Young England’s 3-1 defeat to Italy last night means Gareth Southgate’s side finish bottom of Group B after another miserably disappointing summer tournament. In the circumstances the coach had little option but to admit to his nation’s utter haplessness and promptly resign from his position. Which makes his decision to declare that England are about to win the World Cup and that he’d like to be there to see it particularly puzzling.
“I’m contracted to stay on, I’d like to stay on,” he rumbled, saying that the aim of winning the actual, grown-up World Cup by 2022 is “not unrealistic”, two words that, had they only been used to sandwich a “just” and to preface the phrase “but wildly and absurdly fanciful” might have been kind of acceptable, but which spoken in isolation look a bit silly. “I think we’ve had some massive success stories in terms of individuals that have come through the programme,” Southgate added. “I think people will look at all of that when they’re making that decision.”
Let’s just think about that for a moment. Think, in particular, about the process involved in going “through the programme” of under-21 football – a process widely known outside football as “ageing”. Southgate is essentially taking credit for the fact that some people who used to be younger than 21 are now a bit older than that, and arguing that he should therefore be free to see out the remainder of his contract. And when it comes to an end in 2017, hopefully the powers that be at the FA will recognise the fact that Harry Kane, for example, will by then be 23 and immediately reward the overperforming tactician with a new deal.
Talking of Kane, the Tottenham striker proved no better at analysing England’s exit than he was at preventing it. Asked why the team flopped, he said: “It’s hard to say, but that’s what has got to change. Like I say, there’s no real reason. We’ve got to keep working on it.” So when we change what’s hard to say, and keep working on no real reason, our under-21s might finally prove triumphant. Southgate’s job for the next couple of years, should it turn out that he still has one, is clear.
And he has one other straw to cling to: the coach’s nickname is Nord; with Denmark topping Group A and Sweden storming through Group B, 50% of the semi-finalists are Nordic. Perhaps he’d like to take credit for that, too.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There is also photographic evidence that showed what happened and the provocation. I submit to the TV images and photographs. That’s where the truth lies” – Uruguay coach Óscar Tabárez calls for justice for Edinson Cavani who, not only had to endure an anal examination from Chile’s Gonzalo Jara, but was then sent off for doing the square root of sod all in retaliation.
FIVER LETTERS
“Yesterday’s Still Want More? section made the assertion that ‘like a successful kleptomaniac vasectomist, Roberto Firmino is a very good ball thief.’ Vasectomy (to you, to me etc) procedures do not involve removing the ‘two veg’, unlike non-chemical castration which does. You’d think after all these years of writing b0llocks, you’d have known this” – Derek McGhee (and 1,056 others).
“Finally – a use for my medical degree. The correct term would be orchidectomist I suppose, but they would probably prefer urologist” – John Moore.
“At the risk of sounding a little scathing, new Liverpool signing Roberto Firmino appears to play in style not dissimilar to a Brazilian Andy Carroll. Surely they couldn’t make the same mistake twi … Oh” – Toby Vye.
“Re the FAI denying a report claiming Republic O’Ireland players were allegedly paid $10,000 each to prevent injuring Lionel Messi during a 2010 friendly in Dublin. Paul McShane, John O’Shea, Richard Dunne, Kevin Kilbane, Kenny Cunningham, Darron Gibson and Keith Andrews were among the team that night. It would’ve been safer (and more entertaining) to offer $10,000 to anyone who could move quick enough to get within six yards of Messi” – Nick Murphy.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Derek McGhee.
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BITS AND BOBS
Southampton have accepted the £12.5m that Liverpool have fired down the recently reopened tunnel from St Mary’s to Anfield for right-back Nathaniel Clyne.
Aston Villa players can be expected to stay on their feet more next season after Ray Wilkins was brought in to assist Tactics Tim as an assistant coach.
Napoli have had a go on the magic roundabout and valued Gonzalo Higuáin at just the £67m.
Gerard Deulofeu is back at Everton for £4.2m with the instructions to try and make the team play like it’s 2013-14 again. “Gerard needs no introduction to anyone here at Everton,” deadpanned Roberto Martínez.
And Bournemouth have finally persuaded someone to come and have a go on the penny-slot machines. Full-back Tyrone Mings has joined from Ipswich for a club-record £8m.
STILL WANT MORE?
Is it a coincidence that England’s best World Cup performance since 1966 was in 1990, during a period when more of the nation’s coveted talent played overseas? Amy Lawrence decides.
Was anybody hot or were they all nots? John Ashdown rates Gareth Southgate and his England Under-21s after another dismal performance at a major championships.
What exactly did Lionel Messi call a load of boludez? Marcela Mora y Araujo gives the lowdown on a game of Argentinean whispers.
Who’s got the power? Germany, according to Caitlin Murray, who ranks the remaining eight sides at the Women’s World Cup.
Montages! So many World Cup montages, in this week’s Classic YouTube.
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‘SKY SOURCES’
