LOUIS VAN GAAL’S SAX APPEAL
The Fiver has long been a real gone jazz fiend that digs a free-flowing and kickin’ barrelhouse vibe [translation: the Fiver’s entire jazz collection consists of one Miles Davis album, but for the purposes of celebrating Louis van Gaal’s heroic performance at the Manchester United end-of-season beano last night, we’re going to employ the literary conceit that we’re much more into this genre of music than we actually are].
Whether it’s bebopping and swinging to John Coltrane, Kenny G or The Muppet Show’s Zoot, few things make us feel more alive than watching a brass man lay down hot licks on his popsicle stick as they demonstrate their smokin’ chops and it seems Van Gaal is a like-minded cat. Having finished speaking after presenting David de Gea with his supporters’ Player of the Year gong at Manchester United’s annual awards evening, the Dutchman bounded back on stage, grabbed a microphone and announced he wanted to say something. “I have said to you – you are the best fans in the world but tonight I was a little disappointed and I shall say why,” he declared, prompting general mystification. “I have seen a lady who plays the saxophone fantastically. Give her big applause.”
Quite who this hot-lipped lady horn-blower is, if indeed she exactly exists beyond the boundaries of Louis’s imagination remains a mystery, but one thing’s for certain – the Manchester United manager made a whole lot of new friends with his own quite frankly epic performance, delivering an at times incomprehensible but always entertaining oration that may or may not have been fuelled by a glass or two of Dutch courage. Or courage, as Dutch people like Louis might refer to it. Either way, the Fiver’s having one if there’s any left.
Earlier, shortly after good-naturedly whacking Ryan Giggs across the back of the head for outbidding him in a charity auction, Louis had performed a stand-up routine in which he told all present that United are “very close” to Chelsea, who lead them by 15 points in the Premier League table. “You remember away game against Chelsea?” he said of last month’s defeat at Stamford Bridge. “No, no, no, you have to listen. I ask you to listen because at that time we have 50 points and then [Wayne] Rooney sat in the dressing room – we go for the second place, he said that. [Before that] six games in a row we win and then we go to Chelsea. Who are the better team then? It’s easy to say that now in this room. I can believe it but it was the truth but we lost.” No, the Fiver isn’t sure what he meant either but translated into sax solo, we reckon it probably went a little something like this.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Anyone who wants to write sh1t about me, and try to put me down, go ahead. This tiger will fight till the end” – Nicklas Bendtner. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
FIVER LETTERS
“May I be one of the 1,057 Bristol Rovers or Grimsby Town fans to write in to say how lucky Middlesbrough supporters are to have even a misspelt name on their Wembley ticket. My Vanarama Conference (do we really have to prefix Conference with that awful made-up word?) Promotion Final ticket had neither Rovers nor Town mentioned - so it is hardly worth keeping as a souvenir. Mind you, that result on Sunday caused me to finally understand what Wellington meant about Waterloo being ‘the nearest run thing you ever saw’” – Peter Munt (and no other Bristol Rovers or Grimsby Town fans).
“Further to Trevor Marshallsea’s ideas for commemorating great relegation escapes [yesterday’s Fiver], rather than a crossed-out gallows, maybe a crossed-out caricature of Nigel Quashie would be more apt? Or a blank space in the shape of ‘Arry Redknapp to commemorate him legging it (dodgy knees and all) mid-season?” – Derek McGee.
“In response to Trevor’s missive, I would suggest Leicester can put as many stars, moons, hearts, clovers or, indeed, ‘tiny gallows with a Ghostbusters-style red slash through it’ adjacent to their badge as they see fit. This season, whilst watching Ipswich, I was confused as to why their shirts were adorned with three stars. Discussing with my friends, we didn’t think they’d won three Big Cups, three league titles or three of any other cups for that matter. To our surprise, the internet informed us that the stars are for the First Division in 1962, the FA Cup in 1978 and Uefa Cup in 1981. Precedent set. Soon English clubs’ shirts will resemble homework marked by an overly exuberant primary school teacher, so a few gallows sound perfectly reasonable” – Kris Milovsorov.
“As a Carlisle fan I’d like to back Trevor Marshallsea’s alternative insignia idea. It would be wonderful to have a paintbrush and perhaps a shard of glass above our badge to forever remind us of our respective glories in the 2011 Johnstone’s Paint Trophy and 1997 Autowindscreens Shield” – Calvin Jones.
“As a Villa fan I initially thought Trevor Marshallsea’s idea was a brilliant one, until I realised that with all our awards there would be no space left for the logo itself” – Phil West.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Phil West.
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BITS AND BOBS
Luke Shaw is “medically not fit to come” on England’s Under-21 Euro 2015 jaunt so has been left out of Gareth Southgate’s squad at the 11th hour. But Harry Kane, who does not medically play for Manchester United, is fine and has been selected.
Modern football dept: A day after Michel Platini revealed that Financial Fair Play is set to be eased, it has been revealed that PSG are paying a higher average wage than any other club in any sport worldwide – with football clubs making up four of the top five positions in the salary table.
Hours before Jongleurs FC revealed their new shirt – which will be worn by the team for the first time on Sunday as they battle to avoid relegation – their sponsors Wonga launched their new logo, immediately making next season’s Jongleurs strip out of date.
Meanwhile the club’s coach John Carver has said that, each night, he is getting three times more sleep than his players are getting each Saturday at 3pm. “I’m only sleeping about four or four and a half hours a night,” he snored.
Uwe Rösler has been confirmed as the next manager to be sacked by Leeds United.
The relationship between Blackpool and its fans will in no way be affected by the news the club has been hit by an FA charge following on-pitch fan protest against owner Karl Oyston.
Michael van Praag poised to stand down as Fifa presidential candidate, presumably to spend more time working on his impression of Masterchef’s Gregg Wallace.
Transfer news: Yaya Touré is being circled by Inter suits – “Yaya would give us that leap in quality” – while Barcelona’s Xavi has booked his seat on the Do One express: destination Al Sadd.
And Eric Cantona has unleashed his legal eagles in the direction of New York to sue the Cosmos, alleging the team fired him without paying him nearly $1m (£714,000) in salary and a 4% equity interest.
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STILL WANT MORE?
Your weekly dose of the genius of David Squires.
Who actually wants Raheem St£rling? Our writers in Manchester, London Spain, Italy, Germany, France and er, Liverpool, are here to tell you.
What is the ballpark figure where deaths in the construction of ballparks become acceptable? Marina Hyde sticks the boot into Fifa and Qatar.
Sami Khedira, Ron Vlaar and Nigel De Jong all feature in our list of the 15 best players available on a free transfer this summer, lovingly assembled by Tor-Kristian Karlsen.
Who will be relegated from the Premier League: Sunderland, Hull or Newcastle? Martin Laurence has the answers.
In praise of the half pint shot stopper. Neil Andrews reports.
Luke Shaw is off on his holibobs. Harry Kane isn’t. Paul Wilson discusses.
The Knowledge’s John Ashdown wrote this very exiting, riveting article on the dullest team ever.
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