RIEDLE ME THIS …
To Nyon, the Swiss municipality that serves as picturesque location of the lakeside HQ of Uefa. This morning, somewhere in the discreet but well appointed main building that is tucked beneath the glass pavilions which serve as a symbol of the organisation’s well documented transparency, Uefa blazer and chief bingo caller Gianni Infantino presided over the semi-final draws for Big Vase and Big Cup, ably aided by his glamorous assistant, former Germany international Karl-Heinz Riedle, who glories in the vague but no doubt lucrative position of Uefa Big Cup ambassador and whose duties include occasionally serving as Debbie McGee to Gianni’s Paul Daniels.
Having got the formalities out of the way – Napoli v Dnipro Dniprodniprodniprodniprodnipro and Sevilla v Fiorentina in Big Vase – it was down to the big business of the day: Big Cup semi-final draw – four plastic footballs containing the names of Real Madrid, Barcelona, Juventus and Bayern Munich, plus one transparent plastic bowl. With representatives of all four teams present, they were visibly on tenterhooks as they excitedly pondered the various glorious possibilities and permutations that lay in store at the subsequent lunch buffet.
With a minimum of fuss that was as welcome as it was surprising, Riedle proceeded to pair Barcelona with Bayern Munich and Juventus with Real Madrid, prompting journalists everywhere to come up with potential narratives: Pep Guardiola taking on the team he led to two Big Cup crowns, Juventus avenging their defeat at the hands of Real Madrid in the 1998 final, the possibility of the first ever Real Madrid v Barcelona final and the millions and millions of pounds the Fiver’s castanet-clacking, guitar-plucking, siesta-taking, bull-fighting Spanish cousin Ole! Ole! Ole! Lispy Bit Dog That Looks Like Chuck Blazer Cinco El Sid Fiver would earn from all the podcast, radio and TV appearances, newspaper and magazine articles he’d get to write before, during and after such a match-up. Then there’s the book and its subsequent movie rights … oh, The Fiver knows who its castanet-clacking, guitar-plucking, siesta-taking, bull-fighting Spanish cousin Ole! Ole! Ole! Lispy Bit Dog That Looks Like Chuck Blazer El Sid Fiver is rooting for in both semi-finals.
Before adjourning to the canteen for their pre-lunch snack of Lake Geneva pork shoulder and jowl, with parsnips, roast cauliflower puree, buckwheat and juniper with tomato ketchup (vegetarian option: purple sprouting broccoli, goat’s curd, grilled onion, land seaweed and verjus), the representatives of the clubs involved were obliged to sing for their supper and give their thoughts on the draw, with none prepared to put their neck on the block and state outright for the record that they fully expected their team to proceed to the final in Berlin. However, Fiver favourite and Dulux dog lookalike Pavel Nedved came closest to making a Big Call.
“We will go and play our own game fairly and do our part, we want to enjoy it,” said the former Juve midfielder on his team’s ding-dong with Real. “We weren’t expecting to be 15 points clear in the league, in the semi-final of [Big Cup] and in the Coppa Italia final. It’s crazy to talk about the opposition being better. We must play the same way we always have, we have a chance and they will be two fantastic matches.” In bad news for Juve, The Fiver’s calling a second consecutive all-Spanish final, in yet another poke in the eye for those who would have us believe a certain other country runs the Best League In The World.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can, 100%, absolutely confirm it was not bird poo. But I’d love to know who put that video out and how they did it. Or what my reaction might have been if it actually was” – Manchester United’s Ashley Young reveals more than you may wish to know in this interview with Daniel Taylor.
FIVER LETTERS
“In response to Rob Hemsley pulling me up for incorrectly using ‘bagsy’ and ‘shotgun’ together (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I hold my hands up straight away, guilty. I shared a house in Twickenham once with a Welsh fella, unsurprisingly called Taff, and whenever he was tired he’d stretch out his arms, yawn and say: ‘I think I’ll have 20 minutes kipeye.’ This used to make my blood boil ‘It’s not kipeye,’ I’d spit, ‘you either take a kip or get some shuteye. It’s never kipeye!’ And not content with that, he used to incorrectly use C0ckney rhyming slang too. We’d play golf and afterwards (referring to his feet) he’d say: ‘Oh my poor old plates of beef.’ This used to drive me nuts: ‘It’s not beef, it’s meat, it’s plates of meat. You’re not even a C0ckney!’ And he would stand there, staring at me blankly, like I was some kind of crazed, pedantic lunatic” – Marten Allen.
“So I clicked on the link for the piece about Theo Walcott being at Arsenal for nine years, from yesterday’s Fiver, and got a Guardian message saying: ‘Sorry we haven’t been able to serve what you asked for.’ It’s the first accurate, concise and to-the-point article I’ve read in the Guardian for a long time. Do you do memberships at all?” – Charles Davies.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Marten Allen.
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BITS AND BOBS
Sunderland have said they will continue to select Adam Johnson pending his reappearance in court on alleged child sex offences, starting with including him in the squad to face Stoke on Saturday.
In a move that is far too sensible for a Premier League club, Hull players will have their wages cut in half if they go down. “The club has a really stringent policy so that if we do get relegated the club doesn’t fall into drastic times,” confirmed boss Still Bernard Cribbins.
Rotherham have been docked three potentially relegation-knack-inducing points for fielding Farrend Rawson, who was ineligible to play against Brighton in the Championship on Easter Monday. “It is our view that true sports fans want to see competitions settled on the pitch,” sobbed a club statement that made Wigan and Millwall fans raise a smile at least.
Alan Pardew has shown that he’s rediscovered his sense of humour at Crystal Palace after slapping a £60m price tag on Yannick Bolasie.
Tottenham’s £400m redevelopment of White Hart Lane could feature a snazzy retractable pitch so that NFL! NFL!! NFL!!! games can be played there without the pitch being left in a state only deemed fit enough for the England national team.
Brendan Rodgers is still the best man for Liverpool, says Brendan Rodgers. “I don’t think there’s anyone better,” he back-off-Jürgen-Klopped.
Javier Hernández has told his Mr 15% it would be impossible to turn down the prospect of playing three minutes a season at Real Madrid on a permanent deal.
And a hotel in Malmo has jumped on the bandwagon and renamed its £800-a-night presidential penthouse ‘The Zlatan Suite’. “There is only one president in Malmo. And it’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic,” honked a publicity-hungry hotel rep.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ex-footballers on life after the final whistle, including Mark Ward on his four years in Walton Prison and Arjan De Zeeuw on joining the Dutch police.
This week’s Joy of Six is by Scott Murray on Everton v Manchester United. Read.
Just the 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
How well do you know your celebrating silhouetted footballers? Test yourself with this quiz.
This is a cracking interview with Leicester City manager Nigel Pearson, from Stuart James.
Barney Ronay aims both barrels at Thierry Henry the pundit.
Bournemouth can almost touch the Premier League’s promised land. Jacob Steinberg reports.
The relationship between a player’s age and their position on the pitch. An interesting Sport Network offering from Blair Newman.
It’s a Conference title nailbiter and then some. Click here to make good on rare Fiver mentions of Barnet and Bristol Rovers.
Not football, but great anyway: pictures from the golden age of snooker.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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