Wah! Technical issues! But, you don't care about that, we're here now, the show's starting in two minutes, and we'll be here till the bitter end. Well, not that bitter, as it's Davina doing the exit interview, of course - the well groomed and slightly fawning end, then.
Hit refresh to get updates, and comment, comment, comment your little Big Brothery hearts out. Reader: We're listening. Um, reading. You know what I mean.
We're here, it's Friday night, and either Chanelle or Laura will be leaving.
Will it be Chanelle, slightly moany wannabe-celebrity and part of exciting on/off 'super-couple' "Chiggy" (could I get any more punctuation in this sentence? I'm willing to try...), or will it be Laura, extremely moany welsh lady with fluffy slippers who the crowd have just booed loudly at the very sight of. Laura? Or Chanelle? Or Laura?
Who knows - and more importantly, who cares! Davina's just announced that someone will be going IN to the house. You heard it here first! Unless you are watching Channel Four, in which case you heard it about 7 minutes ago while I was panicking.
8.40pm: The housemates sit and bitch in little groups, some in the bathroom, some in the garden, some in the caravan.
Meanwhile, I'd like to share HFactor's new drinking game rules:
Charley says 'I'm not being funny' - 1 slug of wine Ziggy says 'it's cool, babe' - 1 slug of wine Laura wears a rubbish hairband - 1 chocolate hobnob Chanelle has her arse hanging out - 10 star jumps
Which you are welcome to try. Not me though. I am working.
And thinking about this mysterious twist. Who could be going in? I am betting now that it is either someone famous (in a manner of speaking) or the relation or girlfriend of someone already in there. What you say?
8.45: The other thing I'm worrying about: Davina's head. Now, I've been quite supportive of the woman and her styling this season, as I think that she's not only engaging, but also very attractive, and a role model for young women everywhere (Not all strictly true, it's just I was hoping to get on Big Brother On The Couch one day, you see, and I don't want her to hit me.), but I'm just having trouble understanding this hairdo. It's long at the sides, and tightly scraped back on top, like Rasputin with a combover. Kind of.
She's just told us the surprise 'beauty' is a brunette. This is too cryptic. There has to be a twist. Famous, I think. OH MY GOD IT'S PRINCESS MARGARET! Princess Margaret's a brunette! Royalty in the HOUSE!
8.57: Oh, apparently Princess Margaret might be dead, according to IlfordPeach in the comments box. Well I am sorry to hear that, certainly. My commiserations to the Queen Mother.
Chanelle has been in the diary room, having a big cry, or at least pretending to. She says she is convinced that she will be evicted, and that she will miss them all very much. After every sentence, she buries her pretty little face in her arms and wails, unconvincingly. She says she would like to communicate with them via the 'Fishphone' in the living room, which the camera then focuses on, longingly.
Tell me off for not paying attention (you can, you know, it's true) but has that been used yet in this series? Ever? At all?
9.02: More highlights. Chanelle and Ziggy are apparently on the brink of breaking up. Again.
For the love of Pete, people (Pete, you know? He won last year? It all ties in, oh yes) - for the love of Pete, these people CLEARLY don't like each other in the slightest - watching this is torture... It's like watching a whole twenty-year marriage on fast forward, but without the fun naked bits. From first attraction, sucking in, the flirting, the happy times, the sucking face, the boredom, the petty jealousies, and then the slow, dirty disintegration into complete mutual hatred.
God I'm depressed.
9.11: Finally, Charley appears. She's just been sneaking around for the whole highlights show so far (well, edited out, but you know what I mean) now she's roaring back with a vengence, talking at 900mph about how she wants to comfort Chanelle in her time of need - because they're clearly very close - and ending up in a stand-up row with usually-mild-mannered Gerry.
There is no one in the world more up for a big angry shouting match than Charley, it becomes more apparent by the day. The woman who sits net to me at work is worried about Charley, believing her to have blood-sugar level problems. I agree this may be the case. As long as 'blood-sugar levels' are, in this case, a euphemism for 'shared DNA with rabid weasels in a bath'.
9.18: Davina says the housemates are going to say 'G'day!' to the new housemate. Brilliant! The Germans are coming!
I am of course kidding on. It's going to be Dannii Minogue. Or Paul Burrell. He has recently spent quite a lot of time in Australia. It's one of those two, though. I bet you a million Australian pounds.
9.22: Zigy and Chanelle are breaking up. Again. Slowly. Tortuously. It's like being forced to sit through your parents' divorce all over again. If your parents were young, shrill, blonde and two people you would happily seen flown to Siberia in bikinis.
Oh, and now they're kissing. I give up.
Meanwhile, having heard my plaintive cry earlier, Gerry is using the fishphone. To talk to his dead grandmother. Well that answers that, then.
9.26pm: And tonight's departing housemate is...
Laura
We all put on our best 'surprised' faces. Charley tries to look sad, or like she's having a thought not about herself for 4 and a half seconds. We all know this is a lie. Ziggy looks annoyed, Chanelle... Well, we didn't see her, we were typing.
We, in turn, look to the future. Half an hour in the future, to be exact, when we'll be back to cover the departure of 'Wangers' as Laura apparently doesn't punch people for calling her, and the arrival of Paul Burrell/Dannii Minogue.
(Or someone from Big Brother Australia, perhaps...)
Back in a bit.
10pm: And we're back in the room.
Laura's coming out, and she's not sad, or sorry, or afraid. She's so unafraid, in fact, that she's wearing the world's most ill-advised outfit. Lovely black things, very flattering, topped off by a blue ski jacket in tribute to Seany, and a leopard-print dressing gown.
It's either genius or...
Oh bless her, she's come out and regretted it immediately. "Oh blimey, blimey" she says, standing on the walkway above the crowd, soaking up the horrible booing crowd "It were only a joke"... she says, taking off the dressing gown. Um, you're still left with the Seany ski jacket, sweetheart. Keep peeling.
10.11: I have just worked out what the disturbing thing is about Davina's long-at-the-sides/invisible-on-top 'do. It's basically a mullet.
'Vina. Sweetheart. Sort it out. Someone out there's taking the piss. They've given you a Cell Block H cut. Is that an oblique reference to the Aussie coming in tonight? Is it a butch lady ex-con? Or even just present-con?
Or do you just have a mullet?
10.16: Laura is told that of the 880 hours she's been in the house, she's lain in bed for 467 of them. Though this fact is unremarkable in itself (oh come on, who wouldn't? There's nothing else to do in there, is there?) what's slightly alarming is that there's some poor student work-experiencer who had to sit there and work that little statistic out.
Or do they employ one little worky for every housemate, sitting there 24 hours a day with a clicker and an excel spreadsheet?
Eee, the things folk'll do to get into the magic of television.
Oh, the interview's over.
Um. It went very well. Sorry, I was thinking of higher things. No matter. Soon: new housemate!
10.22: We cut back to the house. The housemates are sitting around, asking if they might leave the couch now.
They're shown a clip of Australian Big Brother, and in their diary room is an attractive young lady.
Australia Big Brother is telling her that she's received the most votes - but not to be evicted, to go to the UK.
The house mates scream with excitement. Ziggy has an enormous erection (conjecture).
But but but...
Oh god, all moving too fast!
We've just come back to the studio to discover that she's not in Australia, she's not Australian, and it's all a Big Lie.
This is the beginning of 'Fake Week' on Big Brother. She's an actress from Swindon, and she's going to go in on Sunday and pretend that she's an Australian blah blah blah.
She's an actress, so should at least have some sense of pacing, drama etc, we shall see.
What is more, on Monday there's going to be a fake eviction, in which one housemate will be pulled out, interviewed, and put straight back in again. The housemates inside will watch the whole interview.
[CORRECTION: Friday. Not Monday. I heard wrong. Thanks ClassicsGuy in t'comments box for that]
I'm guessing we might be back on Monday to cover that...
[CORRECTION: In light of the above correction - No, no, we probably won't. No]
10.30: Well, that was all very confusing. So it's all twists and turns, and people are in and out, and my head hurts.
It is all quite interesting, but is it just a little bit too faffy?
And on that high-brow note, I'm off. Thank you for all your comments and for just being YOU. See you next time ... whenever that may be; Monday, Friday, who knows!
[ERRATUM: Actually I'm thinking maybe Friday. What with me being a bit wrong above. Bugger.]
Night, then. Thanks, all.
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