SOME LIGHT RELIEF
Anyone looking for sporting distraction in Manchester on Monday evening will have no shortage of options to choose from. With the Tory party conference in town, Boris Johnson and his coterie of fawning frontbench lickspittles have been sweating profusely as they stretch every sinew in their efforts to dodge questions posed by reporters eager to find out if he performed a passable impersonation of Mr Tickle at a boozy lunch two decades ago. “No and I think what the public want to hear is about what we are doing to level up and unite the country,” said the prime minister, showing his finger is as far removed from the public pulse as he insists it was from a young journalist’s thigh all those years ago.
For those whose appetite for gladiatorial combat isn’t sated by smirking, self-satisfied, intellectually challenged flunkies such as Mark Francois, Liz Truss, Esther McVey, Dominic Raab and Sajid Javid going toe-to-toe with the truth, the most basic common sense, assorted hecklers and various members of the fourth estate, a presumably more edifying but possibly less politically charged contest will be taking place at Old Trafford later this evening. Yes, Manchester United will be entertaining Arsenal in a match likely to be lacking the traditional needle, viciousness and airborne carbohydrate-rich contests of past meetings – but it could be entertainingly bonkers nonetheless.
United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjær enjoyed some rare good news, when Paul Pogba and Marcus Rashford were passed fit for the game despite fears the duo would miss out. The availability of the former will also come as a boost to Sky Sports, who have presumably gone to great expense to get Roy Keane on Monday Night Football and will be hoping a below-par performance from the ring-rusty Pogster will get that vein on the Irishman’s forehead throbbing.
Unai Emery is unlikely to start Héctor Bellerín for the first time in nine months, despite the Spanish full-back’s brief cameo against Keane’s former side Nottingham Forest last week. Having played 77 minutes against Forest, Kieran Tierney looks likely to make his league debut for the Gunners since his medium-money summer move from the Queen’s Celtic. Arsenal fans will be eager to see if the young star is able to hack it against the Premier League’s finest and will be hoping he stays fit between now and 14 December when he will get the opportunity to do so against the reigning champions, Manchester City.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!
Join John Ashdown for red-hot minute-by-minute coverage of Manchester United 1-2 Arsenal.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This past year was filled with so many ups and downs but I made a promise to myself that I would come back. No matter how hard that would be. It’s been a long road but I did it. Three months and one day after I gave birth to my baby girl” – tip of the hat to Orlando Pride’s Sydney Leroux for returning to action after the birth of her second child quicker than The Fiver can come up with a mildly funny joke.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Max Rushden and the pod squad will be here soon with Football Weekly.
FIVER LETTERS
“In Friday’s Fiver you refer to one Saud Abdul Ghani as Dr. Cool. Whatever discipline his doctorate is in, it is not one that endowed a firm grasp of thermodynamics. Without delving into the mathematics and physics of the first and second laws, let’s just observe that it’s easier to stay warm than it is to stay cool. Dr. Cool’s scheme while not adding to the gaiety of nations will most certainly add to their heat. In the belief that Morris Dancing Uncle Fiver appreciates the Victorian era, and therefore the mechanical devices that gave birth to the laws of thermodynamics, we finish with the observation that science owes more to the steam engine than the steam engine owes to science” – Adrian Tuck.
“In response to Paul Buller’s wondering at younger readers’ reactions: alienation is far too complex an emotion to expect from tired references to stuff that was popular in the 90s. Apathy, sure” – Sam Cutting (32).
“I’m a tad over 31, and, rather like that James Milner stat, I think I’ve been a reader longer than I haven’t. Or at least it feels that way. Here’s to the prematurely ageing” – Craig Fawcett.
“I would like to submit my application for the position of ‘youngest reader’ at the age of 29. Fortunately, Google has granted me the ability to look up and thus understand the reference to Jimmy Corkhill. Unfortunately, I was happier in my ignorance” – Matt Richman.
“I am 70 and ought to know better” – Wade Marsden.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Wade Marsden.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Pep Guardiola has put on his most alluring look and beckoned Manchester City fans who don’t give a flying one about Big Cup to come and help his “outrageous players” win the thing this season. “[With only the] 11 players it’s not possible,” cooed Pep. “We are going to try to seduce our fans and say: ‘OK we can do it’.”
Meanwhile, City were handed a tricky tie in the Women’s Big Cup last-16 tombola. They face Spanish champions Atlético while Arsenal were paired with Slavia Prague.
Derby captain Richard Keogh could be out for up to 15 months after a knee injury sustained on the night of a crash that led to the arrest of two of his teammates.
West Ham physios can look forward to around three months of red-hot b@ntz with Lukasz Fabianski after the goalkeeper was ruled out with a nasty case of hip-gah.
Brendan Rodgers says excitable types who are backing Leicester to finish in the top four should take a chill-pill. “It’s very early in the season,” he soothed. “We know it’s a big ask. We are only really focusing on how we play.”
And antique former West Brom and Norn Iron defender Gareth McAuley has hung his boots up. “To pull on the green shirt of [Norn Iron] filled me with bursting pride,” he sobbed, while being polished.
STILL WANT MORE?
Mario Balotelli scored his first Brescia goal at Napoli on Sunday but it was his interactions with his daughter that stole the show, writes Nicky Bandini.
David Wagner has Schalke soaring again with the help of a Welsh Rabbi. Andy Brassell explains all.
Sid Lowe on a corker in La Liga between Sevilla and Real Sociedad. Appearing here soon.
Manchester United and Arsenal are living off past glories but the Gunners have the edge before tonight’s Old Trafford showdown, so says Nick Ames.
Personality alone cannot make Granit Xhaka the leader Arsenal crave, adds our man for all things Emirates, who seemingly doesn’t need rest at weekends.
Arsenal are awesome, Spurs are dispelling the doubts and Everton are on the up. It can only be Rachel Brown-Finnis’s WSL talking points.
Yarmolenko, Fernandinho, McGinn and Wilder feature in the latest batch of Premier League matters for discussion.
And finally, Jürgen Klopp is happy with 16 wins in a row. Who knew?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
