THE GENERAL STATE OF THINGS
The Fiver changes its Y-fronts nearly as often as football clubs change their jerseys but you wouldn’t see us turning the switch into a public performance, not after what happened the last time. Ay caramba, those biohazard officers sure don’t muck about! Football clubs, on the other hand, still believe that there’s demand for ostentatious reveals, so on Wednesday Arsenal launched their new kit right outside London’s King’s Cross station, which, coincidentally, is exactly where The Fiver’s display took place all those years and tears ago.
The Fiver says that Arsenal launched their new kit, but Arsenal’s PR wonks claim they staged a “live activation”. They’ve got some neck trying to jazz up a shirt presentation just a week after Southampton set the bar at an unprecedented height, Saints having introduced their own new clobber via an epic cartoon that depicted Maya Yoshida and Nathan Redmond as superheroes and culminated with Ryan Bertrand and Fraser Forster kung-fu-kicking a Ronald Koeman lookalike into the depths of hell. It was hard to see how Arsenal could possibly top that, unless Arsène Wenger was planning on taking a bazooka to mock-ups of protesting fans before presenting a new jersey design in which the club’s traditional cannon crest had been replaced by his smirking face.
As it turned out, and maybe in keeping with the club’s more recent tradition, Arsenal didn’t really try to rise to the challenge. Instead they made do with erecting a little stall outside the station and hiring Robert Pires and Martin Keown to shake passers-by down for loose change. Gunnersaurus was there too, just to show that there are worse things than an overpriced football shirt that you could be wearing on the hottest day of the year. How the poor sap inside that costume seemed to suffer! Still, Wojciech Szczesny has to earn his keep somehow now he’s back from loan. As for the new shirt, the main difference between it and last year’s version is that it features a collar that Arsenal describe as “smart but functional”, which probably means it’s an Elizabethan ruff.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have been annoyed twice already. First in Moscow because the traffic made us late and on Tuesday the same. I have been extremely annoyed. When you arrive back at the hotel and have dinner at 10pm it is really unpleasant” – Cameroon coach Hugo Broos, at the Confederations Cup, not happy with his re-heated stroganoff.
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FIVER LETTERS
“The fixture computer spat out the matches for the Football League, and has decided, in its Turing Test-baiting wisdom, to make the first game Sunderland v Derby County. As Floating Brain in a Jar Jonathan Wilson pointed out on social media disgrace Twitter, this means the Black Cats could be bottom of the table before 22 of their rivals have even kicked a ball. I say well done Football League, for avoiding any unnecessary delays to the inevitable. If only it could act with similar common sense on obscene ticket pricing, midweek away games involving 1,000-mile round trips, protecting officials from verbal and physical abuse, and the Checkatrade effing Trophy” – Ed Taylor.
“Relating to Robert Darby (yesterday’s Fiver letters), perhaps another of Poe’s tales would be more fitting for Fifa: the Masque of the Red Death. A wealthy prince closets himself and his friends in the mountains, enjoying banquets and parties while ignoring the decaying state of the world outside until, eventually, corruption works its way in and spreads through their number, destroying them all. Seems to me very familiar … Interestingly (sic?) the symptoms Poe described for the disease – sharp pains, sudden dizziness, and then profuse bleeding at the pores – were also reported in cinemas showing United Passions” – Will Wardley.
“Really Fiver? Of all of the things I would expect you to get right, and let’s be honest it is not a big list, being able to describe cash would be one of them (due to the sheer amount of it that must be spent on Tin in office hours). In yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs, I notice José Mourinho is being ‘accused of tax-knack in Spain to the tune of £3m big ones’. Surely that should read ‘3m big ones’ to identify £s, rather than including the £ sign and still referring to them as big ones?” – Simon Toms (and 1,056 others).
“I’ll admit it, I was foolish enough to click on a link in The Fiver. Despite the link having assured me I was going to an article about women’s football, I found myself looking at an article on ‘How England’s first wave of heavy metal football conquered Europe’. I know two of the people in the associated picture had long hair but that doesn’t make them women. Is Grandpa I-don’t-know-about-young-people-these-days Fiver doing your links for you?” – Sarah Rothwell.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Will Wardley, who gets a copy of Proper Journalist David Conn’s brilliant new book, The Fall of the House of Fifa. Get in touch to claim your prize. We have more copies to give away, so get writing.
BITS AND BOBS
The Football League fixtures are out. And after that Sunderland v Derby curtain-raiser, the opening weekend also features Aston Villa v Hull.
Manchester United have been cleared over alleged rule breaches in their signing of Paul Pogba, but Juventus face a spell on Fifa’s naughty step.
Former Chelsea midfielder Oscar could face a ban after an on-pitch brawl at Shanghai SIPG. “Oscar is not a dirty player,” sniffed coach André Villas-Boas. “He just showed some passion. Some fighting spirit.”
A group of TV suits linked with a bid to buy Sunderland have pulled out “due to our other TV and film commitments”. A statement honked: “Now just isn’t the right time.”
PSG’s Ángel Di María has reached an agreement with Spanish prosecutors over a tax-knack charge: he’ll plead guilty and pay a €2m settlement, but will not serve any of his 16-month prison sentence because he’s a first-time offender.
Yannick Bolasie is eyeing an Everton comeback from knee-knack before the end of this year. “Getting back in December would be the best Christmas present,” he jingle-belled. “A player like me always wants to be on the pitch.”
Oxford manager Michael Appleton has left to join Leicester as Craig Shakespeare’s assistant; the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have made Manchester City academy director Mark Allen their director of football; and, well, it’s the summer, people. This is as good as it gets. Oh, hang on …
Margate manager Steve Watt is simmering within a funk over striker Mike Thalassitis pitching up on TV’s Love Island without telling him first. “I’ve never watched it,” he parped. “It’s not an ideal situation.”
Ah.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s only bonus Football Weekly action, right here.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Belatedly … our new women’s football blog, from Suzy Wrack.
It’s spending season, so here are Europe’s top options: Kylian Mbappé, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Marco Verratti and the rest.
Why did 22-year-old Corentin Tolisso give up his boyhood Lyon home to become the Bundesliga’s mostly costly import? Eric Devin explains.
Quiz time! Can you name every top scorer for all 25 Premier League seasons? The Fiver scored 8. Poor Fiver.
The Knowledge spots a question about consecutive 0-0 draws and immediately goes looking for photos of George Graham. Also this week: do retired players still buy pubs?
Robert Lewandowski is in the throes of such a harrowing sulk that he could end up at Stamford Bridge, reckons the Rumour Mill.
Sid Lowe on Him and Real Madrid.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
