Sweden, you must stop! You’ve already given us so much: Abba; Ulrika Jonsson; a pocket of sociosexual egalitarianism in a modern, western world whose otherwise total commitment to untrammelled capitalism would surely destroy us all; Ikea meatballs. And now a word for female masturbation: klittra.
The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education (RFSU) held a competition late last year that asked people to nominate words that women could use instead of having to – ahem – press into service the traditionally male-associated words and phrases that abound.
After sifting through more than 1,200 replies – presumably with protective gloves in place – the RFSU chose klittra, a portmanteau of “clitoris” and “glitter”, because “it highlights the importance of the clitoris for pleasure”.
We can all applaud the intention behind the competition and the choice. Historical taboos around female sexuality, and particularly around the art of female self-pleasuring, have left a linguistic void that – ahem again – needs filling. And, although it may sound like a new sorceress being lined up for Game of Thrones, klittra is undoubtedly a better term than “flicking the bean”, which sounds very painful (and, a friend assures me, has given at least one man quite the wrong idea about how to treat the thing).
However, as the owner of what I believe to be a fairly standard-model clitoris, I must note two glaring problems. One, the conjunction of glitter and lady parts is not pleasing. Because a) SCRATCHY and b) as one online commentator pointed out, “glitter is the herpes of the arts-and-crafts table”. If you can’t get it off your clothes, can you imagine getting it out of anything moister?
And two, did “fap” not make it over to Sweden? Is “wank” or “rub one out” not clear and gender-neutral? Are there no Scandinavian equivalents of the array of English phrases, joyful in their inventiveness, that we have at our disposal? Can Swedes not dial “O” on the pink telephone? Take a constitutional in their lady gardens? Double-click the mouse? Or, as Jo Brand once suggested, do some gusset-typing?
So many questions. But, never mind – ultimately, what’s in a name? It’s what’s in your vagina that counts, so away and have some fun. Just make sure no glitter is involved.
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