What?
The iGadget watermelon slicer (£4.05, amazon.co.uk) is a double-bladed, flexible scoop used to segment a gourd along its interior wall, then grip and lift the portion.
Why?
When life gives you melons, make do with this melon-aid.
Well?
Shaun Ryder spent the early 90s slurring allegations about people twisting his melon, man, a complaint dismissed as the ramblings of a drug addict. Yet what if he was on to something? What is the best way to prep melon? Don’t say ball! To skilfully ball a melon separates men from boys (unless we’re talking about the adolescent interpretation, which works the other way around) and gives a pretty result. But twisting the spoon to carve such perfect balls necessarily means leaving some precious flesh behind; it’s inefficient.
This watermelon slicer from something called iGadget Tradings (me neither) is here to fix that for you. “Now you can slice your watermelon easily. Now you can cut out perfect pieces. You can get the most of the watermelon,” read the instructions, like an unambitious Darth Maul. Already in these words I detect a note of dolour. It’s a feeling amplified by the “High Quality” stamp printed on three sides of the box, which makes me feel sadder than words have ever done. This is something to do with the box’s low-grade finish, and the fact that quality is like status: if you announce it, you’ve lost it.
The slicer is a double-bladed scimitar, one side heavily serrated, the other marked with air holes. (To reduce drag coefficient inside a melon? Bring down the weight? A mystery.) I pull the curving, joined blades toward me, scraping the hull of the melon, then flip the tool and use it as tongs. It feels like taking a fruit biopsy, and isn’t terrible. It is more efficient than a spoon. But is it relevant? These are awful times. For my money, the only way to eat a melon now is to push your entire face into it, teeth first, lifting your head once you have purchase on the flesh, so you can wear it as an enormous, Frank Sidebottom-style smile. Anything else would mean facing the void.
Any downside?
I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a melon that looked good, I would eat her. But it’s October.
Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?
Watermelancholy kitchen aid. 2/5
