What?
The One Precision poacher by Sage (sageappliances.co.uk, £169.95). Metal pot and wand thermistor sitting on a conduction plate. Monitors and calibrates the temperature of the water for precision cooking.
Why?
It’s hard to find the One when you’re running low on eggs. #relationships #jokes #notfunny
Well?
“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!” I can relate to Al Pacino’s desperation in The Godfather Part III. Sure, his bete noire was his family’s reliance on racketeering and murder, whereas mine is reviewing horrific egg gadgets, but we both discovered that destiny is cyclical. Or, in my case, ovoid.
This week’s egg content, the latest in a neverending series, concerns the One Precision poacher (with probe control). In fact, it might be called the One Degree Precision poacher (with probe control), which is even less snappy. Either way, it’s an automated egg pot with settings covering the main techniques: steam, scramble, poach, boil, sous vide and “eggspert”. First: who is eating sous vide eggs? Second, it’s unclear what the final setting is, the egg spurt one, but it doesn’t leave me feeling sunny side up. We’ll get to that.
As with most Sage cookware, the machine is intuitive. It’s not handsome, though. The sensor dangles awkwardly in the water through steam vents, while eggs are lowered in on a factory-chic caddy. It’s meant to hold them in place, but under the turbulence of a boil they generally float off, free range. There are handy functions – you can cook eggs on a delay, control their firmness and keep water at precise temperatures. It scrambles, steams and boils fine, but you could just use a pot and get over yourself at the same time.
How about the mysterious eggspert setting, which promises a unique, creamy texture? I select it, throw in a few eggs and wait for perfection. After eight minutes, I pull one out, behead it with the included topper and “pour it out of the shell”. A watery bolus plops forth, an undercooked atrocity held together only by the pain of its own existence, its bulbous, amber eye screaming silently within. If a chef served me this, I would have him eggstradited to The Hague for crimes against brunch. The wrongness of the one is enough to condemn the whole and I hereby send it down. Enoeuf.
Redeeming features?
From steam or scramble to scream and stumble, the device is good for getting rid of unwanted guests in the morning.
Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?
Six degrees of separation aren’t enough. 2/5
