What?
The onion goggles (£7.95, prezzybox.com) consist of rubber-framed lenses, with an elasticated band and an adjustable snap clasp. Shield eyes from sulphur compounds emitted by cut onions.
Why?
Do you really want to hurt me, onions?
Well?
Today, we’re looking at a pair of onion‑shaped safety glasses, designed to wear while you chop onions to stop you crying. Novelty goggles definitely sit alongside zany ties and strap-on joke boobs in the taxonomy of shit gifts. While getting someone nothing at all indicates a level of indifference, these are items that say: “I hate you and I hate myself.”
Oddly for a product so stupid, there are things about it that I don’t understand. One is the picture on the box of a bow-legged, aggressive chef brandishing a cleaver next to the instruction: “Make them cry!” This is a) terrifying and b) the opposite of what the gadget is for. What does it mean?
The device is made by The Diabolical Gift People, whose motto, incredibly, is “Expect the best”. Maybe “Expect the worst” and “You’re not my real dad” were taken. Still, it’s my job to give things a fair whack, so I chop onions for a week. The clear lenses are detachable and the frames washable. The ladder-lock buckle fails occasionally, but not disastrously. The goggles lend an owlish appearance when worn, like old-style motorcycle visors (I could be making an attempt at the land speed record as much as a pasta sauce). All told, they are cheap and low-maintenance.
Surprisingly, they work excellently. The frames are soft and light, they don’t impair my vision and they keep my eyes as dry as a California summer. I’m not sure on which criteria to downgrade them. Sure, they make you resemble a third-rate Chitty Chitty Bang Bang cosplaying lunatic, but you may not consider this a bad thing. Besides, I feel an affinity with the stupid. These glasses may be silly and they may not look amazing, but they are modest and dependable and they want a place in your hearth. It’s possible for things, and people, to have layers. I feel quite emotional thinking about it. Damn your eyes, onion goggles!
Any downside?
Maybe you don’t want to prepare a high-end meal looking like Dame Edna Everage, but there’s no rational justification not to, possums.
Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?
Robert Smith’s head. Finally, the man can make spaghetti bolognese. 4/5
