What?
The Kebab rotisserie grill (£69, prezzybox.com) is a vertical spit and heating element housed in a countertop cabin.
Why?
How much is that doner in the window? Nothing if you make it yourself, boss.
Well?
I feel certain that hostage-lad who took an aeroplane selfie with a suspected terrorist would be fully on board with this: a home rotisserie that lets you turn your house into a kebab shop. (I know, it wasn’t technically a selfie, just … be calm. Everything’s OK.)
This countertop hothouse has other functions – vegetable trays, a fish basket, a picture of a chicken that looks like a fat man flexing his guns in a tanning booth. But I’m only interested in one. UK nightlife has historically revolved around the après-club doner kebab. The drunkard’s meat pudding. A glistening flesh cone turning in a neon red window, a slow tornado of midnight desire. Can their Roxanne-ish allure really be recreated at home?
I take a flattened, overnight-marinated lamb shoulder, cut into thin slabs. I impale these on the removable rotisserie spit, until a sloppy tower starts to rise. It’s messy, like playing Jenga with live fish. I like the blue light that illuminates the structure when the sliding door is open. Replacing the loaded spit, I turn the element on and the air grows orange as it begins a stately revolution.
My meat stack is a little puny (I’d thank you to keep this to yourself). Still, it’s captivating; a ballerina in a music box – if the box is the size of a pedal bin, and the ballerina is covered in yoghurt and spices. After an hour, she begins to glisten and char. I use a bread knife to lop off chunks, piling them in pitta with shredded cabbage, onion, tomato and garlic sauce. Abrakebabra!
But is it really OK to eat this sober? Perhaps I should recreate the club at home, too? Drink weird ciders, shout “BIG TUNE” when the theme to House of Cards starts up, wedge the toilet door closed with one foot to have a quick cry? No. The rotisserie frees us. Kebabs taste amazing – and I haven’t had to endure any godawful socialising to have one. Now that is a top night.
Redeeming features?
Rotisseries cook evenly, draining fat away. So this is a … healthy option? Glad that’s settled, moving on. MOVING ON.
Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?
Windowsill. But you don’t have to put on the red light. 3/5
