Kitchen gadgets review: Brew Buddies – the ravings of a lunatic

‘What kind of plankton wants this mug?’ Photograph: Teri Pengilley for the Guardian

What?

Brew Buddies (£7.99, findmeagift.co.uk) is a hot drinks receptacle with a cutaway alcove at base, for the storing of snacks.

Why?

We have outlived our usefulness.

Well?

‘The space remaining for tea is very small.’ Photograph: Teri Pengilley for the Guardian

Look, I get it. We all have “ideas”. Just last week I awoke from a vivid dream, babbling: “How about a segregated pizza restaurant, shaped like a pizza? One half could be for VEGE-TABLES, the other half would be MEAT-SEATERS. It cannot fail!” In the cold light of day, these are the ravings of a lunatic. Yet the idea still makes more sense than Brew Buddies. Brew Buddies is a “novelty mug with space for two of your favourite biscuits”. Think about that. It is a sentence that makes humanity sound as though it has the collective intelligence of one dog. Is this where we’re at? What kind of plankton wants a mug with “handy biscuit storage”?

Related: Kitchen gadgets review: Lazy Man Mug – a storm in a teacup

There are only three things wrong with Brew Buddies, which are: there is no problem to solve; if there was a problem, this is not its solution; and if this was the solution, it has been executed with great crappiness. No one needs a cup with a cookie stowaway. You can eat them out of the packet, or have them on a saucer if you’re the Queen. If you were dropped on your head as a baby and do desire such a thing, this is really not the one. The storage cavity, having been built into the base of the cup, means the space remaining for tea is very small, which in turn means the tea cools too quickly.

I was lying earlier. There are many more things that are terrible about Brew Buddies, including but not limited to 1) the slot’s position on the cup, meaning anyone left-handed will tip biscuit toward themselves, ruining a good jumper. 2) The name. 3) The fact that if two of your favourite biscuits are chocolate digestives with a layer of caramel, they will melt under the tea into useless poo coins. 4) The face on the mug appears to be screaming, which says it all. You and me both, buddy. You and me both.

Redeeming features?

‘Many things are terrible about Brew Buddies.’ Photograph: Teri Pengilley for the Guardian

The disgusting yellow of the cup is the nicest thing about it, but I’m still more likely to drink from yellow snow than this.

Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?

If I discover who invented it, I will put one in their biscuit hole. 0/5