To Paris, France, where rumours concerning this weekend's forthcoming fairytale wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have made the jump to hyperspace. They include claims that:
• An illusionist has been hired to make the couple disappear from the dancefloor
• Jay Z and Beyoncé have negotiated a $2m fee from the E! channel for performing at the reception
• 30 rooms have been hired for guests at the George V in the French capital, but the ceremony is to be held a private jet ride away in Florence at a location whose previous claim to fame was as a witch-burning venue.
• The bride has had four couture dresses made
• Guests will have their mobile phones impounded and replaced by secure handsets for the duration of the revels, as well as being furnished with a personal security detail
• Kanye is telling different factions of invitees different things about what's on the agenda, in order to see what leaks and thereby conclude which ones of them he can trust
Still, as Kim herself said a few months ago: "We're having a super-super-small, intimate wedding." If any guests are captured and tortured for information, may I advise them that it is best military practice to try and hold out until what you do know is no longer operational? It's obviously agonising for you, but it's the best chance the rest of your unit has of survival.
