INVITED TO VA-VA-VOOM OFF
Au revoir, Thierry Henry – or maybe not. Following 104 days of ceaseless torment in Monaco, it is uncertain that Bobby M’s former sidekick will be invited to park his backside on a managerial hot seat again any time soon. His debut gig as No 1 was a baptism of fire that turned into a flaming fiasco.
Henry’s first mistake was to try launching his managerial career at a club that systematically sells its best players and was in the midst of an outrageous knack crisis, leaving the team in such a sorry state that they were even beyond the help of a gaffer as experienced and shrewd as Leonardo Jardim, let alone a rookie whose best known coaching feat till then had been to advise Romelu Lukaku to expect good passes from Eden Hazard and Kevin De Bruyne.
Having said that, Monaco still had some decent fit players so it was not entirely nonsensical for Henry to think he could bring about an upswing in results. But things did not pan out like that: his first game was a 2-1 defeat away to Strasbourg, and his last league game was a 5-1 defeat at home to the same opposition. So much for the Henry Effect.
It must be acknowledged that Lady Chance refused to dance with Henry. She kicked him in the swingers and kept booting while he was down. In that first match at Strasbourg, Radamel Falcao went off injured after half an hour and Samuel Grandsir got himself sent off two minutes after coming on as a sub. In the home game, Naldo, signed in January to bring some relief, lasted seven minutes before seeing red. Cesc Fàbregas was also signed this month, but when has he ever given the impression that he’s the sort who’ll battle to the fore in a relegation fight?
And when has Henry? France’s record goalscorer appears to have failed abysmally to strike the right tone with the people he was supposed to inspire. Almost from the start he had an exasperated “would you just look at what I have to work with here!” demeanour and it was not long before he publicly questioned his players’ “stomach for the fight”. The highlight of his last press conference was his announcement that he had banished several first-teamers to the reserves. “We’re doing some filtering,” he said, before the club revealed it would do likewise. Henry was invited to va-va-voom off, and Jardim has been welcomed back, everyone seemingly agreeing to put the last three months down as an unfortunate lapse in understanding.
Word is Monaco informed Henry of his suspension, pending dismissal, just after he led a video analysis session with his players but The Fiver cannot confirm, even if it strongly suspects, that hapless management was compounded by boring punditry. The next step in Henry’s post-playing career is not yet known, but perhaps he will return to Sky Sports to hold forth on various matters with the channel’s other top pundits, tackling issues such as whether reputations are damaged more by flopping at Monaco, flopping at Valencia or flobbing on passengers in a passing car.
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Join Rob Smyth for sizzling hot minute-by-minute updates of Arsenal 2-2 Manchester United in the fourth round of the FA Cup.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We all got terrible food poisoning and a few of us had to wear adult diapers when we were on the pitch. We spoke to the referee and explained the problems we were having, and he told us if we really needed to go, to quickly let him know. Throughout the game, we were popping off the pitch, emptying our diapers and coming back on again. It was ridiculous. We were vomiting on the pitch. It was the toughest match I have ever played in my career” – former Exeter City midfielder John Wilkinson opens up on a particularly grim experience playing for Singapore against Tajikistan in a World Cup qualifier that perhaps only Gary Lineker could truly empathise with.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Given the Fiver’s prodigious consumption of wind-inducing Tin, surely being wedged in a lift facing away from everyone else (Thursday’s Fiver) is almost a good thing” – Tony Clewes.
“I don’t think much of his beard, his handshake, or his declining goal-to-game ratio. But, wow – I love Gonzalo Higuaín’s personal logo!” – Mike Wilner.
“Following on from Robin Hazlehurst’s response to Chris Weaver’s initial response (Fiver passim), surely a groundskeeper would deliver the coup de grass?” – Paul Dixon.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Paul Dixon.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Lionel Messi and Diego Maradona have joined the calls for rescuers to continue searching for Emiliano Sala. The search for the plane carrying the Argentinian player and his pilot, Dave Ibbotson, was called off on Thursday.
“A giant among journalists, a powerful and beautiful writer whose coverage of some of the great sporting events of his era is still talked about today. The Observer is saddened by his death, and proud of his legacy.” Observer editor Paul Webster is just one of many journalists to pays tribute to the brilliant Hugh McIlvanney, who has died at 84.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær believes Paul Pogba’s Jupiter-sized personality would make him a perfect club captain at Manchester United. “He’s a character, he influences people, he cares and he really wants to be successful,” cheered Solskjær.
Maurizio Sarri reckons Chelsea’s penalty shootout Fizzy Cup win over Spurs might just help his players find their missing mojo. “The players had stopped having fun on the pitch,” he honked.
PSG have €40m burning a hole in their pocket, and will blow the lot on Zenit midfielder Leandro Paredes.
Son Heung-min will be making an early return from the Asian Cup, after South Korea were beaten by Qatar in the quarter-finals.
And Craig Levein said new Hearts striker David Vanecek has apologised for being about as fit as Weird Uncle Fiver, meaning he got hooked after 30 minutes of his debut. “I thought he was rubbish,” parped Levein. “David accepted that he hasn’t turned up in good enough physical condition, he can get fitter and we’re all on the same page now.”
STILL WANT MORE?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 things to look out for in the FA Cup fourth round this weekend.
Middlesbrough v Newport unites two rock-hard managers, Michael Flynn and Tony Pulis. Stuart James goes sniffing around the tough neighbourhood that forged them.
Gary Neville on why the 1999 FA Cup victory over Arsenal was the only match he’s ever smiled in.
“A sold-out Den is special … it’s so intimidating.” Millwall’s Jake Cooper gets his chat on with Ed Aarons.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
