SAN DIEGO _ The most authentic I have ever seen Dean Spanos _ besides when he is ticked off at the city or me or someone else _ is when he talks about his grandchildren.
The pictures come out and he points to the Chargers onesie and tells a story about Christmas. It is a tear in the facade, the type of unguarded, unselfish warmth that reveals a man's innermost spirit.
It offers perspective on the magnitude of the personal battle in which the Chargers chairman is engaged, one that will determine the extent of his extended family's wealth for generations to come.
It also could determine far more than that _ if only he had the temerity to establish a truly broad and lasting legacy.
We might have a stadium already if Spanos had reached down deep and found such largess, and it isn't too late for him to swallow some pride and some medicine and come across as the big man.
That is not solely the opinion of a sports columnist who is on the long list of people in this town who like Spanos but that he perceives to have slighted or otherwise betrayed him. It is the estimation of several people around the NFL who wish the Chargers chairman had found a way to shed his ego along this road that has had many frustrating detours and potholes but did not have to lead to a dead end.
Multiple sources who have long been involved in the high-stakes game of relocation musical chairs believe there is a solution in San Diego _ from the NFL's perspective, probably in Mission Valley but possibly downtown. City officials believe it's the Qualcomm Stadium site. Some others who operate in the Mr. A's set favor a downtown stadium (only a stadium) and contend it can be accomplished.
Spanos _ mostly through his emissaries _ continues to insist Mission Valley is impractical and that the city can't come up with a workable contribution.
There is truth in his position on the city. But he has been far too quick to shoot down ideas and walk away from dialogue.
Spanos just spit out his coffee and cursed. Mark Fabiani just let out an evil cackle. Fred Maas just shook his head.
Yes, Spanos has worked for many years to get a stadium built in San Diego.
If employing a bully (Fabiani) whose insults were difficult to digest and whose games were difficult to decipher doesn't entirely negate the genuine effort expended, then Spanos gave it a whirl. If enlisting the last-minute services of a politically savvy businessman (Maas) and having him peddle a hopeless initiative qualifies as trying, then Spanos stepped up to the plate.
All right. If that was his best effort, it is time to wave good-bye. San Diego couldn't do it his way, so he'll hit the highway.
Those who know Spanos well say the events of the past couple weeks _ unproductive talks with the city, a letter from four city councilmembers he believed was an insult and Sunday's embarrassment of Raiders fans taking over Qualcomm Stadium _ have left him more despondent now than even 11 months ago in Houston when his fellow owners rejected his bid to move to Carson. So while those familiar with his thinking speak as if Spanos has all but made up his mind to leave, they cling to a deeply held belief that he wants to stay in San Diego.
However, his steadfast refusal to step outside a box he has constructed, to insist on a certain type of stadium in a certain place, to not accept where he is and who he is dealing with, reveals an inconvenient truth.
Even some in the NFL who express a kindred frustration about San Diego officials' timidity say Spanos could have facilitated a better working relationship and possibly been the wind that carried a done deal. Instead, the lament is that his ego, tendency to hold grudges and aversion to risk conspired to back him into the corner from which he is now fighting.
That has been part of the problem as the Chargers have been seeking a stadium solution for almost the entirety of this millennium.
Oh sure, there have been and remain other issues.
In this city's leaders over the years, Spanos has found a match in terms of fiscal paralysis and tentativeness. It can be true that both the city and Spanos are difficult to work with.
But Mayor Kevin Faulconer and others would be no worse for the Chargers leaving, In fact, they would probably gain by losing. To one side, they could say they tried. To the other, they could boast that they didn't give in.
It is Spanos who will lose in this, even as he and his family gain wealth.
Barring consistent winning in Los Angeles, the Chargers will rank somewhere just above the L.A. Galaxy in that vast region's sporting consciousness. Maybe. Barely. The Galaxy has won five MLS titles, but the NFL is supposed to be better than playing 10th fiddle.
In Inglewood, the Chargers would be playing almost rent-free in perhaps the world's finest stadium. The Spanos family could unload a small portion of the franchise to offset moving expenses and other costs and in 15 years could sell the whole shebang. Provided the NFL bubble doesn't burst, a move to L.A. could end up increasing the Spanos' wealth three-, four- or five-fold.
Rich people stay rich _ and get richer _ by making smart business decisions. You know, "It's not personal, it's business."
That's a reality we must accept.
As is the fact the Spanos family owns the Chargers. Their collective net worth is largely tied to the team's value and, by most accounts, ranks in the bottom quartile among NFL owners.
The family is willing to put up relatively little of its own money to finance a stadium in San Diego. The rest of the team's private contribution would come from an NFL loan and sales of naming rights and personal seat licenses.
That limits the options here arguably as much as the city's budget deficit and the state's requirement for two-thirds approval on a tax increase.
But fiscal prudence doesn't have to beget stubbornness.
There were entreaties by some in the NFL to appeal to Spanos' civic pride and desire to establish a legacy in San Diego. To be the hero.
Put another, cynical way, to be a big fish in a smaller pond.
I wrote about the possibility Spanos would take that bait last year. I thought he was capable. Maybe he still is. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe too much time has passed.
Maybe the city could never come through on its pledges. But Spanos hasn't made them try.
He says he doesn't want to lose his option in Los Angeles. Yet, he said he would have been willing to fight had Measure C gotten 50 percent. Q: What if he'd lost that fight? A: The option would be gone.
I still maintain the NFL will help pave the way for the Chargers to stay here (and out of L.A.). I am not lobbing a grenade and running. I will take shrapnel. There are often repercussions for the deliverer of truth.
That's OK. This is important.
I've seen the man Dean Spanos can be when pondering a part of his legacy.
