Again? No. Can't be. Can it?
What a fittingly conflicted way to end (or not end) this long, strange trip.
A game that doesn't matter, a coach so many want fired ... and we're not sure we'll care about either come Monday.
We're not sure we care now.
The biggest question leading up to the Chargers' season finale against the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday at Qualcomm Stadium is what will happen in the stands _ before, during and after the game.
How many people will show up? How many of them will be Chargers fans? How many signs will there be imploring Dean Spanos to keep his team in San Diego? How many of those signs won't be very nice? Will there be anything like the outpouring of emotion experienced on Dec. 20, 2015?
The final home game of 2015 _ the first last game of the San Diego Chargers _ was surreal. It was a dream wrapped in a memorial inside a party.
And then the Chargers didn't leave.
Now here we are again _ the next last game of the San Diego Chargers.
The same death can't be mourned twice. The second funeral can't be nearly as wrenching as the first, especially if the attendees aren't positive this is the real farewell.
That is the consensus among fans at The Q the past couple home games, on Twitter and via e-mail _ that the scene won't be the same this time.
"I won't go through it again," Scott Hitchcock said while tailgating before the Chargers' Dec. 4 game against Tampa Bay.
But everyone deals with grief differently.
Here are some tweets I got this week:
I'll b there again. Emotional again. Praying to any listening entities 4 them 2 stay again. & it'll be hard to leave. Again. _ AwwwwBreee.
I for one will be there but I'm just gonna walk away prep for the worst. 'it is what it is' _ Bodazofa
Boycott the Chargers game on Sunday ... show Spanos that San Diegans have had enough of his incompetent ownership. _ asl3676
Ill be there. My team ... my city until if/when they leave (hashtag)DieHardsStayTheCourse _ kikotaitague23
Which is the right way to feel?
All of them?
It seemed easier last year to not be conflicted, to lay aside the fear and anger, to focus on the more than five decades of memories. In the midst of the uncertainty, we appreciated the attachments that had been formed.
Now, after a second straight losing season on the field that has coincided with two years of uncertainty about where that home field would ultimately be, it seems the drip of negativity has drowned fans' ability to muster much love.
The circumstances of this day are different as well.
This is the actual final game of the season, where last December against the Miami Dolphins was to be followed by two road games. The Dolphins were not good last year, and not many of their fans showed up, where a lot of Chiefs faithful will be on hand Sunday to watch their playoff-bound team try to win the AFC West and earn a first-round bye. Also, the game against Miami was Malcom Floyd's final time playing in front of the home crowd at the end of a 12-year career. And Eric Weddle was on the verge of leaving after eight seasons, and he made a point in the preceding days to let fans know he would interact with them postgame.
Even wanting to show up to honor the players seems to lack impetus this year.
The team that will dress Sunday features just six players who have been Chargers longer than four seasons. Just Antonio Gates and Philip Rivers arrived before 2010.
There isn't a lot of shared history between this town and this version of its team. And with one playoff appearance in the past seven seasons and a 9-22 record over the past two seasons, not a lot of that limited history is worthy of reveling.
Further contributing to San Diego's angst being swallowed by apathy is that after the past two years' slow-but-steady spiral, the past two weeks brought a steep fall.
There was perhaps the darkest day to date in the franchise's history _ a nearly complete takeover of Qualcomm Stadium by Raiders fans on Dec. 18, the same afternoon Spanos said he was tipping closer to moving the Chargers to Los Angeles than keeping them in San Diego.
Six days later, on Christmas Eve, there was one of the most embarrassing games any NFL team could endure _ being the first victory for an opponent that had lost its first 14 games of the season. The Chargers went to Cleveland and helped the Browns avoid the unpleasant distinction of becoming just the second team to ever go 0-16.
Now the Chargers play another possible final game at Qualcomm Stadium in front of yet another crowd that may be inordinately comprised of opposing fans and with their own fans not entirely decided how they feel.
The way fans see it, the team owner hasn't committed to them and the team hasn't treated them to many good times lately. So what's the motivation to reciprocate?
Honestly, this is absurdly appropriate, if it is the end.
It's a shame. But how else was this supposed to go?
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