In hindsight, allocating two days to a debate on a 137-word bill drawn up at five minutes’ notice after the supreme court ruling last week might seem to have been at least a day and a half too long. Not because the bill to trigger article 50 was of no importance, but because it gave MPs licence to rehash old speeches and fight battles that had already been long since won and lost. Due process may be a democratic necessity but it’s not always pretty. Or edifying.
“We’ve already reached the point of no return,” David Davis growled. The Brexit secretary’s voice was even croakier than it was last Thursday and he clearly regarded this latest outing at the dispatch box as beyond the call of duty. He still hasn’t quite accepted that he could have saved himself a lot of time and effort had the government agreed to publish a white paper six months ago. But as he was there, he would briefly recap. Brexit meant Brexit and that was that. And by the way we’d also be splitting the Euratom, but there was no cause for alarm as we’d all be dead in the long run anyway.
Keir Starmer, the shadow Brexit secretary, had come dressed as an undertaker. And spoke accordingly. It just wasn’t entirely clear if the requiem was for the country or the Labour party. Both probably. “The bill is short and simple,” he said funereally. “But for the Labour party it is very difficult.” He paused to cross himself. Starmer spelled out Labour’s problems with blocking the bill – two-thirds of Labour MPs represent constituencies that voted to leave – before saying the party would reluctantly back the bill. “It would be nice if there was a bit less gloating from the other side,” he concluded sadly. A few Tories tried not to grin as the Labour coffin was laid to rest.
What fireworks there were came from Ken Clarke, who stopped caring about what anyone in the Tory party thinks about him long ago. First he took a pop at the starry-eyed enthusiasm of the several hundred careerists who had newly converted to the Brexit cause after the referendum. Then he chose to get personal with direct attacks on Boris Johnson and Michael Gove for misleading the country during the referendum campaign. As Boris smirked uneasily, Theresa May sneaked out towards the exit. Just as well, as she was next.
“Apparently you follow the rabbit down the hole and you emerge in a wonderland where suddenly countries around the world are queuing up to give us trading advantages and access to their markets that previously we had never been able to achieve as part of the European Union,” he said. “Nice men like President Trump and President Erdoğan are just impatient to abandon their normal protectionism and give us access. No doubt there is somewhere a Hatter holding a tea party with a dormouse.”
Not wishing to leave anyone in his own party uninsulted, he ended by saying that Enoch Powell would not feel out of place among the current crop of “mildly anti-immigrant” Tories. He sat down to loud applause from the Labour benches. Clarke had also implied he would be standing down at the next election. If he carries on like this, his leaving do will be a quiet affair.
From there on, it was pretty much business as usual. For the remain side, Hilary Benn was sad and disappointed; Nick Clegg was angry and disappointed; the Scots Nats were just angry and angrier. For the leavers there was the smug satisfaction about being proved right, as it miraculously turned out that they knew exactly why everyone had voted to leave and it had nothing to do with not liking foreigners.
“I’m definitely not anti-immigrant,” Tory Anne Main declared. It was just that there were rather too many of them in the country and it was about time we took back control and threw a few out. Michael Gove was also keen to be taken rather more seriously. If only he was in government he’d definitely make sure the NHS got an extra £350m each week. Worryingly, he even seemed to believe this nonsense. Hanging out with The Donald must have rubbed off on him.
The excitement became almost too much for John Redwood who was almost in tears as he revealed this was the happiest day of his entire life. “If the country had voted to stay in the EU, I would have stood down as an MP at the next election,” he sobbed. If only he’d made that promise before the referendum, the country might just have decided to remain.
