"Kelly Osbourne defends her mother's honour", ran one headline this week, suggesting showbusiness has finally found its Passchendaele. Frankly, I defy you to come up with a more minuscule territorial gain than Sharon Osbourne's alleged "honour" – yet dear Kelly has ploughed the most mind-boggling level of energy into the task, and perhaps revisionist historians will one day judge her efforts something other than a monstrous waste of human endeavour.
The casus belli seems to have been an extract from Dannii Minogue's new autobiography, in which the X Factor judge reveals Sharon wasn't very kind to her backstage on the show. "The best thing to happen to Dannii's career was that my mother hated her," tweeted Kelly. "She needs to shut her mouth and concentrate on motherhood! I will be the first one to admit that my mother did not play her cards right when came to dannii but trust me when I say Dannii is the devil . . . Dannii you are so lucky that I respect Simon enough to not tell the truth about what really happened. wa wa wa you poor middle aged victum [sic]." On and on it goes – but aren't they the most divine family? Let's hear much, much more from the Osbournes at their earliest convenience.
