According to the BBC’s own figures, around 50 per cent of the estimated 13 million people who will eventually watch the final episode of Bodyguard will do so via an online catchup service of some kind. Time-shifted TV viewing is the new normal.
So we must spare a thought then for the unfortunate millions who, not lucky enough to actually be here at Labour conference, or even to be able to spend all day in front of the BBC Parliament channel, will just wait until the end and binge watch the lot.
The ones who, finally home after a long day’s work, collapse onto the sofa, reach for the remote control and just devour it all in whatever order they fancy.
“Oooh, what’s this? Barry Gardiner fringe event? Don’t mind if I do,” they’ll think.
And there will be Barry, calling the likelihood of Theresa May calling a general election “absolute Looney Tunes territory”.
Next they might fancy, I don’t know, Jeremy Corbyn’s eve of conference rally, where in the fading twilight over the Mersey, the Labour leader will stride directly out into Looney Tunes territory and demand Theresa May settle the Brexit question by “calling a general election”.
After that, how about a bit of John McDonnell’s set piece speech which, turning the conference hall into a satellite state of Looney Tunes territory, told Theresa May to “Bring. It. On.”
Next up, there might be Sir Keir Starmer’s Brexit speech. There will be the audience, rising to their feet and whooping with joy as Sir Keir makes clear that, should there be a second referendum, “No one is ruling out Remain as an option!”
Given how well that suggestion went down, it’s possible they’ll find it a bit odd if the next thing they choose to enjoy is John McDonnell’s Today programme interview, where the shadow chancellor explains how if there is another referendum, they will “respect the result” of the first one, and that remaining in the EU won’t be on the ballot paper.
By this point, it’s fair to assume even the most diehard Labour conference fan may find themselves hopelessly confused, and take themselves off to something far simpler to understand, things that frankly make much more sense, like, I dunno, how did the kompromat end up buried in the graveyard, or why does David Budd drive a Nissan Qashqai, that kind of thing.
In the moments directly after Sir Keir Starmer’s speech, which, for the avoidance of doubt, was at Tuesday lunchtime, conversation turned quickly to the fact that the line about “not ruling out Remain as an option” was not in the version of the speech sent out in advance. These have to be signed off by the leader’s office two days in advance. Would such a line not have been signed off?
Or would such a line not have been needed as, well, he wasn’t to know that John McDonnell would come out in favour of what can only be described as an Out/Out referendum, in which the Labour Party’s position would be to campaign for no deal so that everything went so badly wrong that they might be called upon to fix it?
As Starmer said his seismic line, it’s possible he emitted a faint pulse of anger, the kind of thing that, had he delivered the speech underwater, might have been detected by a passing whale. It’s always hard to tell with Starmer, who is the type of man who has to tell you if he’s angry. It has always felt rather safe to assume that, if Sir Keir was your dad, it would be mum that did the bollockings. Which is something of a curious characteristic in a man who used to be the nation’s most senior court room prosecutor.
It puts him and John McDonnell in an awkward position, the two of them now having made two very public pronouncements that directly contradict one another. What has now become custom on such occasions, would be for the two men to lock themselves in a room all night with various other party delegates, hammering out a compromise that can be published without any of them losing too much face.
So don’t be surprised when, later on today, a statement is rushed out clarifying that in the event of a second referendum, Remain will be on the ballot paper (in the referendum that isn’t going to happen anyway), but only if voters write it on themselves in crayon.
Still, only the leader’s speech to go tomorrow and we’re done. As someone once said, th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!
The Independent has launched its #FinalSay campaign to demand that voters are given a voice on the final Brexit deal.
Sign our petition here
