TICKING CLOCKS, GROWN MEN SQUEALS AND PLASTIC DEVICES
“Champions of the transfer window, it is like a trophy”, mused Arsène Wenger yesterday, immediately after signing Petr Cech and immediately prior to taking in the crunch friendly between Beveren Foetuses and L’Orient Pets. And he’s not wrong either, the payment of millions to millionaires now a sport in its own right, supplying the hope and wonder so often missing from the actual football.
Yes, the old fenêtre has now “swung open in earnest”, and, before it “slams shut”, we shall enjoy done deals and ticking clocks, grown men squeals and plastic, er, devices. It’s on!
Naturally, much of this activity shall revolve around Real Madrid, the annual upheaval simply a fringe privilege of Florentino Pérez’s presidential expertise. Concerned that appreciation of his work had faded in the 11 years since he fired his Big Cup-winning manager, Vicente del Bosque and sold Claude Makélélé – whatever happened to them, anyway? – he had no choice but to act.
So, after Madrid won last season’s Big Cup – by strange coincidence their first since that halcyon summer of 2003 – he made sure to bin the final’s man of the match, Ángel Di María. This ran contrary to the wishes of the various amateurs on his coaching and playing staff – and what clown brought them to the club anyway? – waylaid by football, when it was clear to all that James/Hames/Hamez Rodríguez’ is handsomer. A trophyless season did thus ensue.
Naturally, this was the fault of Carlo Ancelotti, one of only two managers ever to win three Big Cups, and as such, he was summarily sacked, despite the contrary wishes of his players. In the first instance, this ruthlessness was entirely unintelligible, but then, in an amazing coup, Pérez prised Rafael Benítez from Napoli, his fabled skills of negotiation and persuasion securing the release of a man who had just guided his team to a majestic fifth-place finish. Suddenly, all was clear.
But naturally, that is not all. Now, Sergio Ramos, hero of La Décima, leader and symbol of the wondrously unashamed snide that makes Madrid so special, has asked to leave. In a sense, this is understandable: he’s 29, and, thanks in part to Pérez’s interventions, Barcelona look to have the title sewn up for the next couple of seasons. Ramos, though, does not want away, not for this reason, rather because of Pérez – or, put another way, Madrid look like losing one of the most significant, decorated and inspirational footballers of the generation because a bloke who sports a syoot, tie and glasses combo has allowed himself to be fallen out with.
We are blessed to be living in his time.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Besides Eto’o and Ronaldinho, we will make another big-name signing. When it’s done, we’ll set the world on fire” – Antalyaspor president Gultekin Gencer, ladies and gentlemen.
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BITS AND BOBS
Arda Turan has been bundled into a transfer cannon and Atlético Madrid can apparently do nothing to stop him being fired at whatever club waves the most notes. “In the next four days Arda will decide which team he’ll play for next season,” boomed his Mr 15%.
Jack Warner has hired the lawyer who represented Myra Hindley in his fight against extradition to the United States.
Uefa has confirmed that Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium will host the 2016-17 Big Cup final. “These are exciting times for Welsh football,” cheered Gareth Bale, presumably because he’s Welsh.
Fun and games in South America dept: Chilean police buzzkilled the hell out of Chile fans in Santiago who were just a bit giddy after watching their team make the Copa América final for the first time in 28 years, by giving them a water-cannon washdown.
Guus Hiddink has bundled himself aboard the Dutch cruise-liner called Do One after just a year in charge of Holland. “I think it’s a real pity things worked out like this,” sobbed Hiddink, who confirmed Danny Blind will jump into his warm spot.
And Arouna Koné, who has been knacked for the best part of two seasons, has reminded Everton supporters that he still exists. “The fans haven’t been able to see me at my very best level,” he understated.
STILL WANT MORE?
John Ashdown is doodling pictures of John Guidetti and hearts all over his shorthand notebook. Why? Because he’s a player who can do no wrong at the moment.
Why have Chile ditched the romance at Copa América? Because they want to win the bleedin’ thing, writes floating football brain in a box Jonathan Wilson.
Gabriel Hanot was a player, a coach, a prisoner of war, a journalist and a pioneer who remains oddly neglected in France, writes Philippe Auclair in this doozy of an extract from The Blizzard.
Pigs, Godzilla, that Partick Thistle mascot and Paul Scholes pop up in this week’s Gallery on Bastian Schweinsteiger.
AC Jimbo and the Football Weekly Live crew are in Lahndan on 6 August to preview the new season and tickets are selling faster than Weird Uncle Fiver’s Special Brew at that secret annual convention he goes to. So, click here to get your mitts on some.
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