Did anyone catch This Is Your Life on Saturday night? I thought ITV had reached the nadir of pointlessness with Greatest Living Britain, but I was wrong. 52 years after breaking onto UK screens and 4 years after being finally put out of its misery, Simon Cowell got a second glance at the Big Red Book, this time carried by Sir Trevor McDonald as if asking one dinosaur to introduce another would defy evolution. It was one of those shows that sapped all the energy from your index finger, leaving you cut off from the remote as one charisma-challenged celeb after another sucked up to the Big C.
There was Gest, Abdul, Seacrest, Waterman and Springer - all prostrating themselves at the feet of the man who just happens to pay their wages. It was like an episode of Entourage, as each sycophant tried to outdo the other, including Robson Green showing up to say how he once threatened Cowell with legal action over harassment - those were the days, eh Rob? The only reluctant voice was Louis Walsh, no longer on the payroll and far from pacified by a hug that had all the warmth of two eunuchs on a blind date. And of course, nobody mentioned any of the things we wanted to hear. No tales of Paula Abdul shagging American Idol contestants or breaking her nose after one too many and pinning it on the chiwawa, no Cowell disrespecting Virginia Tech victims and of course no mention of the Is He/Isn't He question that no one ever asks for fear of losing out on the next junket. Mind you, the original US version of This If Your Life didn't exactly give Liberace a grilling either.
And it wasn't just the guests. The whole show also served to remind us just how dependent ITV has become on Cowell to fill its weekend schedules. In between backslapping X-Factor and current ratings flop Grease Is The Word, there was the predictable showcase for Il Divo - whom Cowell has been shoe-horning into just about every show he can alongside his next chart assault, Leona Lewis. And lest we forget, there was a timely plug for Britain's Got Talent - Cowell's reinvention of The Gong Show hitting our screens in two weeks time and aiming to turn Piers Morgan into the next Mr Nasty.
This was nothing like the fondly remembered format of old. This Is Your life was designed for a kinder age when we not only liked our celebrities but believed they were entitled to half an hour basking in the approval of their peers. It was a time when Peter Ustinov could make a career out of anecdotes that would struggle today for airtime against Lindsey Lohan sneezing.
But then again, when 20% of your income comes from premium-rate phone revenue, perhaps ITV knows a trick or two about clutching at straws.
