Monkey has been performing an invaluable public service over the past few days, reading Kay Burley's bonkathon novel First Ladies so you don't have to. It's gripping stuff – as in the main protagonists spend a lot of time gripping each other's wobbly bits. The Sky News presenter must be a strong contender for the Bad Sex in Fiction prize, but Monkey reckons she would also be a shoo-in for the High End Brand Porn Award. In one passage describing an "afternoon tryst", Burley drops in references to "Louboutin heels", an "Osborne and Little decorated bedroom", "Dom Perignon", a "Lord Linley Trompe L'Oeil coffee table" and a "Bang and Olufsen sound system". For the record, while writing this Monkey has been chewing alternately on a Bic biro and a Ginsters 3 Cheese & Onion pasty from the BP garage over the road, while slipping off a scuffed pair of Clarks Nautical Style Orson Lace denim blue leather shoes that are pinching a tad around the toes.
