Justin Johannesson – the risque best man at Pippa Middleton’s wedding

Pippa Middleton (fourth left) with her now-husband, James Matthews (second left); her brother, James (third left); best man Justin Johanneson (fourth right) and fellow riders before the Race Across America in 2014. Photograph: Francis Specker/Alamy

Name: Justin Johannesson.

Age: 41.

Appearance: Risque.

Ooh, who’s he? A Scandinavian novelist, good for 800 pages of psychologically acute detail set against trackless wastes and suffused with an overwhelming sense of foreboding? Or the star of a new Scandi-noir series, good for 800 hours of psychologically acute detail set against trackless wastes and suffused with an overwhelming sense of foreboding? Neither.

Is he the inventor of hygge? Is he a new Ikea wardrobe? No – he was best man at Pippa Middleton’s wedding to James Matthews. And he’s Icelandic, on his father’s side, incidentally.

Oh, I thought she looked lovely. That Giles Deacon dress. Kate’s earrings. The glass marquee. Those arms she borrowed from Madonna. All ruined by the best man’s speech.

Surely not. Yes! Reportedly lewd, crude and went down like a lead balloon.

What did he say? He took to the microphone at 11.30pm, after a five-course meal ...

Uh-oh … And compared Pippa to a dog.

How awful! Has anyone dared repeat this calumny so that we may be fully outraged on her behalf? Yes. Apparently, he said: “Now to the love of James’s life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind. But that’s enough about James’s spaniel, Rafa. I’m here to talk about Pippa.”

That’s it? That’s not really comparing her to a dog, is it? It is.

He wasn’t calling her a dog, though. He was just doing that misdirection thing. It’s a crime against comedy, not against the bride. Wait till you hear what he said next.

Go on then. He said he presumed the couple were honeymooning in north Wales because “I heard [the bridegroom’s brother] say that after the wedding James was going to Bangor for two weeks”.

Again, a crime against comedy, but … No, it’s awful and offensive and Pippa will never recover. According to the papers.

Hmm. Didn’t Pippa spend umpty billion months and pounds planning this wedding she knew would be reported down to the last detail? Yes.

Do you think that, just possibly, she vetted the speech? CONTROLLING PIPPA GAGS BEST MAN – yes, I can see it now. She probably did.

I give up. Good idea.

Do say: “People in glass marquees should try a little harder with their speeches.”

Don’t say: “Bit of blue for the dads!”