Rejoice, Baghdad
Photograph: PA
To wherever it is in the Middle East, now, where there is totally troubling news for the metropolis of the damned. As the coalition runs out of ways to communicate to the Iraqis about how utterly screwed they are, the Spice Girls step in with the suggestion that they might play a concert in Baghdad. Dare to dream, kids! Dare to dream.
But while none of us wishes to look this gift horse in the mouth, let's just establish how the hell we ended up contemplating such a prospect.
"We thought, why not let our fans decide where we play?" the girls stated on their website last week, as they revealed a plan to add one extra, unspecified date to their end-of-year farewell tour. "All you need to do is tell us where you want to see us. We are literally in your hands."
And, according to reports, thousands have already voted for the girls to put on a show in Baghdad. Who knew they had so many fans in the car-bomb capital of the world? Oh, hang on ... I see.
Anyways, the one thing that distinguishes the ladies is a hilariously unshakeable belief that their Girl Power message can change the world, and this seems neatly reflected in their claim that, "This is your chance to turn your city into Spice City!"
So how do you rate their chances of turning Baghdad into "Spice City"? Lost in Showbiz rates them as pretty frickin' excellent! And we've tried everything else with those ungrateful townsfolk, right?
"It could be Baghdad, it could be Brazil," breezes Geri Halliwell, pictured in a snap whose retouch budget appears to have been marginally higher than that of the entire Iraqi reconstruction effort. So if you wish to restore hope to a city that for so long has had to get by without the chance to listen to the unifying message contained in the lyrics of 2 Become 1, then do visit thespicegirls.com and place your online vote for the Iraqi capital.
In fact, picture the scene in Baghdad just a few months from now. A darkened stadium; an electric atmosphere. Well, as electric as it can be, given that there's no actual electricity. Unfortunately, the generators are down again. As so often in the exciting land of possibility that is liberated Iraq, it came down to an either/or between water and electricity, and Victoria's weave needed a rinse.
Still, the road crew are resourceful, and so it is that five US army searchlights pick out five girls perched atop their chrome stools.
"I need some love like I've never needed love before ..."
Ah yes, drifting out from the stage come those haunting stanzas that were the soundtrack to everyone's Christmas in 1996 - especially if they were living in Baghdad.
"I had a little love, now I'm back for more ..."
The audience sways in rapture, their upstretched arms waving lighters, celebratory rifles, IEDs . . . whatever's to hand, really. Somewhere in the throng, a Shia militia man turns toward the Sunni militia man welling up next to him. Nice piece, he mouths admiringly, in reference to the man's Swarovski-encrusted AK-47. I was just checking yours, replies his new friend, winking through the folds of his keffiyeh.
"Cos tonight is the ni-ight, when two become one ... "
Remember, Spices: off the stools for the second chorus! And sweet heaven, when the moment for the synchronised dismount finally comes - I say synchronised, though Victoria is traditionally a second off the pace - the crowd just explodes. Maybe even literally. But you know what? The moment's bigger than all of that, and it's time you lot plucked up the courage to start making a difference. Vote early, vote often.
