Stop the fricking press - or, um, internet, or blog, or whatever the correct term in this context might be - literally the most exciting news in the world has come to Lost in Showbiz's attention and, as you might guess, it involves Kate Moss.
Hold tight onto your chairs, people because word reaches us that next March, to mark the epoch-defining return of Bianca to Albert Square, she shall be accompanied on screen by... Kate Moss and Sadie Frost.
That's right, Kate and the Queen Vic. It's like bacon and eggs, Robson and Jerome, curry and dysentery - a combination so inevitable it's amazing we hadn't thought of it before.
Now, as anyone who saw Kate taking to the stage in the live Little Britain revue knows, we are in for some acting treats here, marginally beaten, perhaps, by her singing skills which thrilled Babyshambles fans around the land (though her breathiness might not have been sufficient to pierce through the cerebal haze for some of them.)
But what, what, Marina and I cry, digging our acrylic nails into our orange palmed hands, will Kate and Sadie be doing? Shagging Martin? Befowling the square? Yelling offensive invectives at whatever token "ethnic" family the writers have wedged in this week? Over to our source:
"Getting Kate and Sadie on board is just the icing on the cake. Like Robbie Williams before them, they won't speak, but viewers will be able to spot them shopping in the market when Bianca visits the site of her old stall. Obviously it'll mean dressing the girls cheaply but they're up for that. Think Bri-nylon, satinette and Lycra. There's so much potential for fun."
Admittedly, our source is the not exactly Deep Throat-tastic Daily Star (though I'm sure the reference would cause many a titter in their newsroom. As would that one, too) but this hasn't stopped me from wasting, ooh, pretty much my entire morning envisaging a script for this Patty and Selma Simpson of Primrose Hill, should they be allowed to talk:
Sadie: Oi, 'ow much for these mustard leggings?
Bianca: I'll give you them for five quid, can't say fairer'n'that.
Kate: Five quid? Yer 'avin' a laff! Three and not a penny more, Sades. [Spots dodgy young lad in a tracksuit.] Oi, you! Those pills you sold me last night were bloody useless, and I paid £2 a pop for 'em.
Lad: Buyer beware, love, aincha ever 'eard that one? [Runs off]
Sadie: Oi, come back 'ere, you little monster!
Kate: I'll get you, you and your little slag 'n' all!
Sadie: Alright, bag up the leggings. Time for a pint I reckon, doncha think, Kate?
Kate: Yeah, but leave off a minute, Sades, I'm finishing my fag. Fancy a Lambert?
Etc and so forth. Amazing how that dialogue just sprang forth so naturally, don't you think? Almost like they've been preparing for it all their lives.
