THERE IT IS
Gareth Southgate is a very clever person. We know this because he’s called Gareth, and Gareth not only has the very clever eth suffix, but is a name more commonly found in rugby union, which is a sport for very clever persons. Also, Gareth dresses smartly, pronounces his glottal stops, and is kind to journalists and small animals, all sure signs of a bristling intelligence. But, more than anything, Gareth gives an outstanding interview; we can be sure of this because there must be some reason for his appointment as England manager and it was certainly not the overwhelming persuasiveness of his qualifications. The Fiver can only conclude that he can relate anecdotes about when he has shown initiative, is equally comfortable working alone or in a team, sometimes tries to do everything himself, and in general is just too much of a perfectionist.
Because Gareth is so clever, he has been able to take a frankly horrible football team and arrange a variety of players in a variety of formations, such that it remains a frankly horrible football team. Someone less clever might have decided that the first thing to do would be devise a way of playing which accommodated the few good players into a coherent, cohesive first XI, extracted the maximum from the even fewer outstanding players, and which could then be perfected. But no: the suffix eth hath spaken.
As such, England spent Tuesday evening preparing for Brexit, absolutely powerless to avoid a punishment beating from France – despite spending almost half the match with a player more, in numerical terms at least. And, as the populace chuckled into their flavoursome food and winsome wine while lauding the robustness of their democracy and charisma of their leader, they surely praised the epochal intelligence of their own very clever person, the incomparable camel Didier Deschamps. Such a very clever person is Deschamps that last summer, even in reaching the final, he contrived a more miserable European Championship than anyone thought possible; in particular, his inspired use of André-Pierre Gignac was far beyond the conception of mere simple folk.
And just the other day, he presided over a shock defeat to Sweden. Us slavering thickos have long since decided that Moussa Sissoko is an absolute donkey of a footballer, lacking almost every attribute necessary to play in what should be the finest team in the world. But old DD sees things we’ll never see, selecting him ahead of the electrifying Ousmane Dembélé at the same time as preferring Dimitri Payet to Thomas Lemar and Olivier Giroud to Kylian Mbappé, reaping a rich reward. The truth, though, is that such intellectual weight and rigour renders Tuesday night’s altercation both trifling and piffling. In future, the teams might do better to compete at less vulgar contests, such as Finders Keepers, Fort Boyard, Blockbusters and Le Chevalier Du Labyrinthe; only then will people truly appreciate the majesty of Gareth and DD.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Eleven years ago, you led Shenzhen football and never let us down,
Nine years ago, you took over responsibilities and saved Shenzhen football,
Memories of fighting together have never gone away, and now we recall the legend,
For Shenzhen, we are reunited, starting a new trip together,
Coach Wang, welcome home
Chinese outfit Shenzhen manage to announce Sven-Goran Eriksson’s sacking via the medium of poetry. Strong.
SPORT 2.0
Hashtag United, Wimbly Womblys and the e-footballers striking it rich. The Fiver hasn’t got a clue – that’s nothing new – but it’s still well worth your time. As is this here film.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“A manager of some good repute. Sven would negotiate nicely for loot. He thought nothing was finer; than a long stint in China. But now he won’t need that tracksuit” – Roger Mart.
“As a neutral, I’m really hoping Everton do sign Jordan Pickford (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). He’s a good goalkeeper, who deserves to play in the Premier League. £30m may seem a bit steep, but the more he costs, the funnier it will be to see how bad a job Sunderland make of spending it all” – Ed Taylor.
“Well yes, we all know it shouldn’t be dye that is cast – or at least 1,057 of us do (yesterday’s Fiver letters) – but what is much less obvious is whether the die that is cast is such a die as has six faces and 21 dots, or is die-cast like my 1965 Corgi James Bond Aston Martin (working ejectable figure, bulletproof shield and machine guns, but no box, so not worth nearly as much as I had hoped)” – Steve Allen.
“Re: Ed Taylor’s card game (yesterday’s letters). We called it ‘raps’. A game I learnt the hard way on a train from Cairo to Aswan in 1985. Not football-related at all other than my team, Southampton/Liverpool feeder did all right a season or two before … at least we stopped football years ago, along with complete finger movement” – Andrew Want.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Roger Mart.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope. And it’s still a much better option than this.
BITS AND BOBS
The 2017-18 Premier League fixtures have been released. Spoiler: every team plays each other. Twice!
Leicester City are set to sign Harry Maguire after lodging a £17m offer. Show Hull the money!
![Who’s your moth [Snip – Fiver Bad Word Ed].](https://media.guim.co.uk/d08c35c9950c1947b972f225d69b703c99f0dc05/0_224_3337_2002/1000.jpg)
Tottenham’s forward Son Heung-min is recovering after he suffered arm-snap in South Korea’s 3-2 defeat against Qatar, whose coach Jorge Fossati quit after the game.
A 34-page report produced by Human Rights Watch says Fifa has failed to deliver on its promise to conduct effective monitoring of labour conditions over Russia 2018. “Fifa is coming up short,” said the report’s author Jane Buchanan. “Construction workers on World Cup stadiums face exploitation and abuse.”
Heather Rabbatts will be replaced by Paul Elliott as a non-executive director of the FA, admitting she “remains frustrated” at the lack of black coaches in the sport.
‘The Gang Gets Knocked Out of the US Open Cup After a Fairytale Run.’
Claudio Ranieri is back, baby, after the French league waived its age rules and gave Nantes permission to appoint the 65-year-old.
And Northwich Victoria have raised the £5,000 they needed to keep the club afloat.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Has a hat-trick ever been a player’s only goals for their club? That and other posers are answered in the latest instalment of The Knowledge.
Been letting your football hipster knowledge slide recently? Fear not, here’s Ed Aarons with 10 Euro U-21 talents worth dropping into conversation.
Kieran Trippier came out of his England debut with credit but he was the only one, reckons Simon Burnton in his five talking points from the defeat in France.
Kylian Mbappé and Ousmane Dembélé are leading a new generation of French talent, writes Dominic Fifield.
What was it like to party with The Ronaldo at the height of his powers? Jack Carroll stumbled across the answer during the 1997 Copa América.
Are Arsenal eyeing up a bid for Manchester United’s Chris Smalling? All the latest transfer gossip in today’s Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
