Name: Air Force Cam.
Age: Brand new.
Cost: £10m.
Whatever it is, it sounds swanky. It’s the converted RAF Voyager plane that’s been commissioned to provide VIP transport to government ministers and members of the royal family.
And it cost us £10m? It seems like a lot, but the government estimates that Air Force Cam will save the taxpayer £775,000 a year in charter costs. Really, this luxurious private aircraft is a bargain.
£775,000 a year? That means … Yes, it means that it won’t start saving us any money until 2028. But surely that’s worth the sanctity of mind that comes from knowing that Philip Hammond has plenty of armrest space whenever he flies anywhere.
This seems like a good place for you to list specifications. Great! The plane is a converted Airbus A330-200 airliner. It’s 197ft long, and has a wingspan of 197ft. It’s been fitted with 58 business class seats that recline flat, allowing passengers to sleep during flights.
Didn’t we already have one of these? Are you thinking of Blair Force One, the private jet that Tony Blair wanted to buy in order to fly him around as prime minister? Gordon Brown cancelled that.
Shame. Blair Force One is a much better pun than Air Force Cam. I know. Why they didn’t go with another suggested nickname, like “Camcorde”, is anyone’s guess.
Not that it matters now. Well, no. David Cameron is taking his first flight on the plane on Friday, to a Nato summit in Poland, but now that he’s announced his resignation he’ll barely get to use it.
So what should we call it now? That depends on the winner of the Conservative leadership contest. The smart money, at least at the moment, is British AirMays.
That’s not very good either. It could be worse. It could be Gove Air, which is a pun on the world’s 88th-best airline, Gulf Air. God, we’d be a laughing stock.
Still, £10m – one Chilcot inquiry – on a luxury private plane isn’t to be sniffed at. No, it isn’t. And they said politicians were out of touch.
Do say: “Finally, the UK gets the transport it deserves.”
Don’t say: “No, wait, that would be a malfunctioning Swegway with a union jack sticker on it.”
