BREAKFAST SOON DIDN’T TASTE SO GOOD
The Fiver has always been a respectful sort, never the type to chuckle at someone else’s misfortune, so when it heard about the latest stunning developments in the Pedro saga, it did the right thing and held a two-second silence in honour of the likelihood that Special Juan Cuadrado’s glittering two-second career at Chelsea will shortly be coming to an end. It was very emotional. The Fiver thought of all the times that Cuadrado tripped over his own feet. It thought of the underhit crosses against the nearest defender, the shanked passes out of play, the tragedy that there are so many blind allies that the Colombian winger is yet to discover inside Stamford Bridge. It is indeed a cruel world, but in the same way that all good things must come to an end eventually, so must all things that are so underwhelming that The Fiver has forgotten what this paragraph is about. Something about quinoa? Or the best way to eat an apple?
Oh well, it can’t have been that important anyway. What matters is that The Fiver is wondering what the news of Pedro’s imminent arrival at Chelsea will mean for Victor Moses’ prospects of ever getting a game again. Do Vitesse Arnhem need another winger? Maybe Moses could go and play for them. And as for the Special Juan, well, The Fiver hasn’t stopped thinking about his exploits in a Chelsea shirt for a single second, although it does feel like the best way to eat an apple is to wash it, open your mouth, put it in your mouth, take a bite, move the apple away from your mouth, close your mouth, chew, swallow and then repeat the process until you are down to the core. What were we talking about again?
Oh well, it can’t have been anything too exciting. What matters is that Pedro is heading to Chelsea after they triggered the Barcelona forward’s £21.2m buy-out clause, an accomplishment that was apparently beyond Manchester United’s chief executive, Ed Woodward, who sometimes gives the impression that he would struggle to convince a puppy to play fetch. Poor old Ed. While some people have decided that Pedro was never that good anyway and that Louis van Gaal was right to pull the plug on the deal, others reckon that after a summer in which United have fallen out with David de Gea, conducted Sergio Ramos’s contract negotiations with Real Madrid on his behalf and sold Ángel Di María, they could have done with getting this one right. The Fiver is more ambivalent, prepared to acknowledge that United have won their first three matches and that Memphis Depay appears to know what he is doing and to entertain the possibility that Woodward is just waiting to surprise us all by announcing the signing of Leo Messi any moment now. Think about it: why else was he in Barcelona? Failing, that, Cuadrado is available.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“All the referee needed to do was show common sense, which is sometimes hard for them. The fourth official said the paperwork said 17, but it said seven. The whole thing erupted” – Torquay manager Paul Cox continues to emit steam from his ears after being sent to the stands when the wrong player was substituted during his side’s 1-0 defeat against Woking.
BET OF THE DAY
1 June 2015: “Having been very proactive in the last few months increasing our presence in football we have maintained that being on the front of a Premier League club shirt was vital for our global presence” – Dafabet suit John Cruces announces how proud he is that his company is sponsoring Premier League side Sunderland.
19 August 2015: “5-8” – the global presence Dafabet have secured by being on the front of a Premier League club shirt looks set to be short-lived after they make Sunderland favourites to be relegated.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Our new series of Guardian Football passport films kicks off with Andy Brassell in Ukraine for the story of Shakhtar Donetsk’s ongoing exile.
FIVER LETTERS
“I would like to personally thank Big Cup for ruining my birthday. I thought I’d go away this year to Belgium’s most picturesque Ralph Fiennes-approved city, figuring a week in a country with an economy propped up by beer and chocolate would be a bit good. Then Manchester United weren’t just drawn against Club Brugge, but drawn against them and playing there on my birthday. If I wanted my birthday ruined by a bunch of Manchester United fans shouting ‘ROONEY!’ over and over, I’d have gone to London any other day of the year and found a Walkabout. Thanks, Big Cup” – Ferg Slade.
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BITS AND BOBS
Leicester City have signed Napoli’s Gokhan Inler on a three-year deal. “I had many, many teams [chasing me] but in the end I decided with my heart and I came to Leicester City,” he trilled.
Bayern Munich suits have entered the German words for Do One into Google Translate and have sent the results to Manchester United after it was reported that the Premier League club had offered £60m for Thomas Müller.
Gerard Piqué’s Bad Word masterclass during the Spanish Super Cup has earned him a four-week stint on the naughty step.
Fifa presidential candidate Chung Moon-joon says payments he made to Haiti and Pakistan in 2010 were “charitable donations” after reports claimed he faced an investigation into the funds. “We condemn this as a cynical and unethical effort by Fifa to misrepresent even charitable donations for political manipulation,” he sniffed.
And plucky Guam have threatened to cancel their World Cup qualifier in Iran after complaining that the host nation had deliberately delayed their visa applications in a bout of bureaucratic mind-gamery. “This is not fair and we are not impressed at all,” foot-stomped coach Gary White.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on Chelsea, Mourinho, Jeff Powell and more.
Once you’ve finished reading Ian Hawkey’s excellent Blizzard extract on Zimbabwe’s golden generation of the early 90s, you can while away a few more minutes trying to work out what all of Peter Ndlovu’s remote controls are for in the picture embedded halfway down it.
If you’re wondering how Juventus and Napoli will fare in Serie A this season, you could do worse than clicking here.
Memphis Depay asked to wear the much vaunted No7 jersey at Manchester United so he better live up to it, reckons Jamie Jackson.
This week’s Knowledge column goes on an alphabetical expedition through world football to determine the league featuring the most clubs with same letter at the start of their name.
Sunderland Ladies boss and Crazy Gang stalwart Carlton Fairweather tells Louise Taylor that the women’s game has changed so much that “we sometimes stay in hotels, good hotels”.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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