Princess Tiiamii Andre, I think you and LiS are going to get on really well. Well, we're certainly going to make the effort because the joy you have already given us in your month of life? Pleasure you just cannot measure, and that's a fact.
Why, just look at what we've learned from your presentation to the world in OK! magazine (all children should greet the cold light of day in a publication with optimistic punctuation in the title, it will give them a sunny disposition. Honestly. It's a biological fact) by her proud parents, Jordan / Katie and Peter Andre. Truly, a bounty of joy.
Well, to start off, let's look at what her mum's learned: "Changing her nappy was a bit weird at first because she's got more bits to clean. It was weird for Pete and I was like, 'I've never seen a miniature ninny!'" And just as LiS was gripping the desk with fear for this possessor of the mini ninny, Mrs Andre continues: "I know it sounds crude -" talking about your child's ninny in the national press? Never! "but I'm used to doing boys - you give them a wipe and make sure the willy points down and that's it, but with a girl it's more complicated."
In nappy changing, as in all walks of life, dear Jordan.
Mini ninny aside, Princess Tiiamii will no doubt be relieved in later life to discover that her mum "doesn't mind [that she has ginger hair.] I love her anyway, even if she's a ginger!" Awww, you just can't say enough about that unconditional maternal love, can you? At least Jordan can perceive the familial resemblance between her husband and her second son, Junior: "His nose looks like Pete's - before he had the nose job." LiS can only hope to be able to make a similar expression of family love.
But never say that OK! shies away from the big questions. This is not some big ol' love-in, no sirree. For a start, we learn that Princess is not getting her hands on Jordan's breasts because "I don't want a baby drinking from me - the thought of it makes me feel really funny. I think only a certain person could handle my knockers." Ah yes, there we are again, back in the land of unconditional maternal love. But while babies drinking from knockers is not allowed, Jordan does, she exclusively reveals, "need a good screw." And it's fortunate that her husband is on hand, fresh from measuring his own instrument: "it's the size of a remote control." But not just any remote control, his wife is quick to clarify: "it's the size of the Sky Plus one - the one with the grey bits on - that's bigger than the normal remote."
Like I told you - a veritable bounty, this interview!
Despite the Sky Plus action, is Peter threatened by the enormous clout wielded by his wife? Certainly not. It is, he concedes, "annoying when they say Katie is the only money-maker" but he consoles himself with inner knowledge of the truth: "I have businesses and property that I don't really talk about." Businesses such as, singing Mysterious Girl at office parties in Staines, LiS is guessing.
Best of all, this may be just the beginning because the happy couple are already planning for the next daughter. "I want to name her Twinkle," Jordan happily if utterly predictably avows. Like we said, pleasure you can't measure. Unlike a Sky Plus remote control, apparently.
