Jonathan Woodgate

Neil Pollock riffs on a slam dunkin' classic. Perhaps Chelsea and Spurs should heed the words of Gloria Clemente (played by Rosie Perez): "Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win." Profound. Though not always accurate. On this occasion Spurs won. End of. Photograph: /x

This is slightly unsettling. "Oh my God! The Carling Cup! That is like SO HOT!!" pants Mark Boyd. Photograph: /x

"Winning trophies was scant reward for Woodgate, because for him, the seen could never be unseen," writes Leo Byrne. Have we missed something? What's so bad about the sight of Robbie Keane eating beefburgers? Photograph: /x

"Frustrated he can’t find a decent gaff in London, perhaps Woodgate could lighten his search by losing a bit of the junk collected at former clubs," cackles Sean Kearney. Photograph: /x

Rob Schofield reckons Sir Trev could now have a rival in the most-boring-anecdote stakes. Photograph: /x

"Jonathan wondered to himself why Spurs had such a bad record with injuries as he visited their training facilities," murmurs Andrew Ferguson darkly, holding a torch to his chin. Photograph: /x

"Cheer up Woody, you've just won the Carling Cup," barks Alan Neill. Photograph: /x