Late-night hosts mocked Donald Trump for gleefully accepting the inaugural Fifa peace prize ahead of the World Cup in the US.
Jon Stewart
On the daily show on Monday evening Jon Stewart roasted Donald Trump for accepting the inaugural Fifa peace prize at the World Cup draw on Friday. “Oh my God, he won the prize specifically created to appease him!” he joked. “The Fifa appease prize!
“I don’t know if you guys got a good look at the trophy, but come on,” he laughed before a photo of the trophy, sculpted to appear as though several hands rising from below cupped the world.
“I think its design somewhat reflects, in all likelihood, how it was conceived. I take you to that meeting now ...” Stewart continued, breaking into an impression of a Fifa employee: “Why do we gotta invent some prize just to satisfy some fragile egomaniac? Trump is so needy. It’s like the world always has to reach out and stroke his balls.”
The prize ceremony included not only the trophy but a medal, which Trump immediately put around his own neck. “He’s so thirsty he’s not even going to bag it,” Stewart laughed. “He’s like, ‘No, I’ll just wear it out of the store, no worries.’
“The craziest part wasn’t necessarily Donald Trump being awarded an entirely fictitious golden butt plug,” he added. “It was the cognitive dissonance of flipping over to the news channels, post-peace ceremony.” The host played a series of clips from the Trump administration claiming they were “ramping up the pressure” on the Venezuelan president, Nicolás Maduro, or “on the brink of war with Venezuela”.
“America’s new foreign policy is basically this: don’t kill people there [the Middle East]; kill them over here [South America], in your own time zone,” he mused. “It’s classic advice: shit where you eat.
“That’s the new Trump doctrine. It’s not in any way about stable democracies. It’s about spheres of influence,” he concluded. “Russia can have their sphere of influence, including Ukraine. China can have theirs, and probably Taiwan, and we get South America. America is no longer the shining city on the hill. It is merely just one of the five crime families, splitting up the territories.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel also poked at Donald Trump for his award-filled weekend, including a hosting stint at the Kennedy Center Honors – the first held since Trump’s hostile takeover of the formerly non-partisan performance venue and institution.
While hosting, Trump took a swipe at Kimmel, claiming he was an inferior host – “If I can’t beat out Jimmy Kimmel in terms of talent, then I don’t think I should be president.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with anything more than that,” Kimmel joked. “Do you think he even knows that I’ve never hosted the Kennedy Center Honors? Maybe he’s confusing me with Queen Latifah? And as far as this who has more talent thing goes, it seems like he’s challenging me to a contest and if so, I’m open to it. Let’s do it. Let’s have a talent competition. I’ll come on, I’ll tell a few jokes, I’ll draw something, I’ll clarinet. And he can play golf, spank a porn star and ruin a country.”
Kimmel also mocked the Fifa peace prize, “which is like if Nascar started handing out Peabody awards. It means nothing.
“He couldn’t hand out all those Kennedy Center medals without getting one himself,” he mused. “You know how when you bring a birthday present to an eight-year-old and you have to bring another one for his five-year-old brother? This is basically that.”
Nevertheless, Trump proclaimed the award to be “one of the greatest honors of his life”.
“Putting a made-up medal around your neck and bragging about it is like masturbating and telling your friend you got laid this weekend,” Kimmel quipped. “Everyone, even his family, knows this is a BS prize designed to keep him from screwing up the World Cup, except for him. It’s so deeply pathetic, it almost makes me feel bad for him.”
Seth Meyers
“Everyone knows how easily Trump is flattered by gifts and fake awards, and that dynamic has only become more glaring in his second term,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night.
He recalled how South Korea gave him a crown and the Olympic organizing committee gave him medals, but “nothing will ever top what Fifa did on Friday” with the inaugural peace prize.
“First of all, is there anything sadder than putting a medal on yourself? It’s like putting the candles in your own birthday cake,” Meyers laughed. “I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that the guy who starts walking the stage before they announce the winner also can’t wait to wear his shiny new toy.
“The gambit worked exactly as planned,” he continued, as “Trump was so easily swayed by the special trophy from Fifa that within minutes, the man who once called himself America First was saying we should rename American football because soccer is the real football.”
As Trump said on stage to the Fifa president, Gianni Infantino, “This is real football … we have to come up with another name for the American stuff.”
“They gave him one fake peace prize and he’s already turning on the quintessential American sport and siding with Europe,” said Meyers. “To win Trump back, the NFL is gonna have to one-up Fifa with the first inaugural NFL Lifetime Achievement Genius Prize Emmy Oscar Golden Globe Tony Michigan Man of the Year Award or Whatever.”
Stephen Colbert
“I hope you had a fun weekend, but there is no way you had more fun than Donald Trump,” said Stephen Colbert on the Late Show, “because he is that girl from the office who celebrates her birthday month, and it’s going to be four years long.”
Colbert first took a swipe at Trump for saying, during his Kennedy Center Honors hosting duties, “if I can’t beat out Jimmy Kimmel in terms of talent, then I don’t think I should be president.”
“You can’t, and you shouldn’t,” Colbert responded. “Also just a quick brain check for grandpa pudding skull – I called him, and Jimmy Kimmel has never hosted the Kennedy Center Honors. But here’s the thing: I did, the three years leading up to Trump becoming president.”
In other news, “after years of campaigning unsuccessfully for the Nobel peace prize,” Trump won the inaugural Fifa peace prize. “Might seem like an odd combination, but I think it’s appropriate, because when you think peaceful, you think soccer fans,” Colbert joked. “And later that day, Trump also received the Hooters National Book Award.
“Call me a boomer, but these participation trophies have gone too far!” he exclaimed.
