The New York Times is offering readers the trip of a lifetime. For $5,995, holidaymakers can join “experts” on a trip they’re calling “Brexit Means Brexit!” Leaving on 22 October they will take a group to London to “Meet with politicians, journalists and historians to discuss Britain’s decision to leave the EU and the financial, legal and social implications for Britain, Europe and the world.” Which, when you think about it, does sound more fun than: “Was it a terrible mistake to go away with your friend and their new girlfriend? And what of the impact on your own relationship, seeing these two practically digest each other on the sunloungers?” It’s when one relaxes into the idea, though, that one can imagine the real possibilities of a Brexit break. The holiday starts here:
22 October, 4pm Collected from the airport in an iconic black cab, your driver has been prepped to begin his authentic banter routine with the phrase: “I’m not racist, but…” Sit back, enjoy the ride and don’t forget to tip!
6pm Before you check into your 4-star hotel join us for a complimentary drink in the bar with the producer of Danger Danger the “most woke student podcast of 2016”. Marvel as Anthony (soft “th”) teaches you politics despite being less than half your age, stare as he shushes you, and wonder as he leans forward over the steak you seem to have bought him, to explain why you’re wrong about the theory of tax.
11pm Wind down in your room to the dulcet tones of Farage’s LBC show. Try and turn him off. You can’t! The dial’s stuck!
23 October, 9am In the morning, a choice of continental breakfast (please note, proof of partner’s salary will be required) or full English will be available, and will not give you loose bowels or a bloated feeling in your temples, with some exceptions. Put a straight banana in your pocket for later, as if a gun.
10.30am Board the famous NHS bus for a trip to the “British countryside”. Pull up on the hard shoulder where you’ll be able to take a selfie on the faultline between Leave and Remain. If you’re lucky, Leave billboards will still be visible, stabbed into the mulch of a fallow field. See if you can spot any penises sprayed on them. In the UK we call this “street art”.
12.30pm Take a moment to meditate and enjoy the rhythmic honk of lorries in a four-mile jam as they approach Dover. Get to know your neighbour with the use of the Brexit flashcards you’ll find in your seat pocket. Princess Diana, Brexit or not Brexit? Pret A Manger Jambon Beurre, Brexit or not Brexit? Married couples who share an email address. Eurovision. Skegness.
2pm Still on the bus. Hey, how about making your own political meme! Get creative with an old photo from 2013 riffing on immigration, and see how many likes you can rack up before the traffic starts to move. The winner is the first to be retweeted by an alt-right leader. For them: the ultimate prize, a traditional lightbulb.
3pm Screw it, let’s just pull up here and have lunch. Things are getting weird on the bus, someone fell asleep under a flag and is making these terrifying whimpering sounds a bit like, “Not that, not that”, and the cupholders are filled with urine. We’ll call it a picnic. This used to be a fruit farm, but since the EU workers left, it’s more of a strawberry graveyard. If we spread out our Guardian newspaper you can stay dry while you eat your chicken sandwich: £16.
3.30pm Did we mention there’s an optional additional trip you can take to Scotland? Should have mentioned it earlier. Too late now. Ditto the visit to Thanet. Why is it suddenly getting so dark? Back on the bus, quickly everybody.
4pm Nope, not going to make it to the Houses of Parliament, sorry, There’s something odd happening in the sky. People are abandoning their cars. Instead, let’s take a trip to the Moral High Ground. Squint through the windows on the left and you’ll see it on the horizon, an amazing topological illusion, particularly beautiful in this odd pinkish light.
4.15pm OK, head for the woods. You have one blunt lathe between you, and a single bar of soap. Save the banana for when you need to run. Use the lightbulb as a knife. Stay together, stay quiet, and do not search for the reason for that odd and high pitched noise. I love you. Goodbye.
