Dan Campbell made a promise the day he was announced as the Detroit Lions’ newest coach — and it wasn’t to go winless in his first season, although he’s doing a great job of that so far.
“We're gonna kick you in the teeth,” Campbell said. “And when you punch us back we're gonna smile at you, and when you knock us down we're going to get up, and on the way, we're going to bite a kneecap off.”
Wait.
What?
I don’t know why I thought of that quote after the real-time blooper reel that was Steelers 16, Lions 16, but I did. Maybe it was the sheer absurdity of it, seeing as absurd is a word one could easily use to describe the happenings at Heinz Field on Sunday.
Pathetic is another.
Laughable is another.
You had to be howling by the end. I sure hope so, because by that point nothing mattered. I was literally in tears and grabbing my stomach during what must have been the saddest overtime in the history of organized football.
In those 10 minutes, I saw …
— Kendrick Green — proud graduate of the Maurkice Pouncey School of Snapping — nearly hit Station Square with a shotgun snap.
— Somebody named Ryan Santoso — who should definitely enter a Tony Orlando look-alike contest — mangle a game-winning field-goal attempt, a few hours after he mangled an extra-point attempt that probably cost the Lions their first win since Dec. 6.
— Minkah Fitzpatrick make his first interception in a calendar year, only to see it wiped out by a holding call on Devin Bush. (Wait, Devin Bush played?)
— A Lions receiver drop a pass on one play, followed by Steelers defensive back Tre Norwood dropping an interception on the next.
— Pat Freiermuth, the surest-handed player on the Steelers roster, drop a pass and lose a fumble minutes apart.
— The referee throw a flag then say, “There was no flag on the play,” followed on the FOX broadcast by analyst Daryl Johnston referring to Cameron Heyward as “Cameron Heyman.” That neatly matched references to “Steven Tuitt,” “Ray-Ray McDonald” and “D-Andre Smith.”
— Eric Ebron try to hurdle a defensive back before the defensive back was near him, causing ESPN’s Ryan Clark to tweet, “Legit worst hurdle attempt in the history of YAC by Eric Ebron. I was scared for homie.”
— Diontae Johnson make a spectacular catch-and-run only to have the ball punched out of his hands.
Finally, I heard FOX play-by-play man Chris Myers say, “Does anybody really want to win this game?”
It sure didn’t look that way. The Steelers left with their kneecaps intact but their pride shattered like eggshells.
They tied the Detroit Lions, who improved to 0-8-1.
They also attempted two straight passes to Kalen Ballage — and I don’t know why that stands out amid the wreckage, but it does.
Why would anyone attempt even one straight pass to Kalen Ballage?
The Steelers got what they deserved when the second attempt was intercepted on a horrendous throw by Mason Rudolph, who made more than one of those. Notably, the grounder to Ray-Ray McCloud in the end zone and the pop up to James Washington that Washington had to break up before it was intercepted.
Afterward, it seemed nobody knew what to say.
“I’m in a twilight zone,” Campbell said. “I don’t know what this is.”
Mike Tomlin was so confused that he claimed Rudolph played well, said he was “appreciative” of his team’s efforts and then delivered the grandaddy of ’em all: “We’re a professional football group.”
You could have fooled me. If ever a game deserved to end in a tie, this was the one — and I don’t even feel like I’ve begun to describe the debauchery.
Hemingway couldn’t describe the debauchery.
I haven’t even mentioned the Steelers refusing to use Najee Harris three straight plays near the goal line, McCloud making a last-second grab for a bouncing punt near his goal line, the Lions recording their longest touchdown run since 2013 (twice), the Lions running the ball on 3rd-and-10, 3rd-and-12 and 3rd-and-15, the Steelers roughing the punter late in regulation and FOX’s Johnston defending Tomlin after he chose to kick a field goal rather than go for it from the Detroit 2, making it 10-7 with 4:22 left in the first half.
“You don’t want to give a team like Detroit any sense that they’re in this football game.”
Daryl? It’s 10-7.
Did I mention they threw to Kalen Ballage on consecutive plays? Or that the Lions had an injured quarterback who could not propel the football through the air and yet still humiliated the Steelers defense to the tune of 229 yards rushing?
The Steelers should have apologized to the great James Farrior, who had to watch this debacle in person. I’m guessing he could have stepped in and stuffed the run better than Devin Bush or Joe Schobert.
In the end, I’m with Cam “Heyman,” who said, “Ties suck.”
Everything did. I hope you got a good laugh, at least.
