PITTSBURGH — Consider this an exorcism.
I've never performed one, but as a favor to you — as an attempt to clear all the bad juju before the Las Vegas Raiders invade Heinz Field on Sunday — I'll give it a shot.
It's a terrible story, actually, a chilling tale that includes a quarterback attack, a haunted X-ray machine, the ghost of Guy Whimper, the face of Tom Cable, a runaway gazelle and maybe scariest of all, a pass to Limas Sweed.
Mike Tomlin and Ben Roethlisberger win a lot. You know that. Just last season, they surpassed Don Shula and Dan Marino as the third-winningest coach-quarterback duo in NFL history.
And yet, somehow, they become unrecognizable when they face the Raiders, who appear to be decent this season but have mostly been tragic since Tomlin and Roethlisberger joined forces in 2007. The two have seen more than one season blow up in Oakland, where the Coliseum has often become the Steelers' mausoleum.
Roethlisberger is 2-5 against the Raiders. That's his worst record against any AFC team (he's 4-7 against New England). Tomlin is 2-4, his worst record against any AFC team not named the Patriots.
All of the losses have been comically ridiculous. So have the two wins, come to think of it.
In one of them — a 35-3 shellacking in 2010 — Raiders defensive lineman Richard Seymour was ejected for punching Roethlisberger in the face, prompting Tomlin to say, "I've never seen a quarterback get punched since I've been in this league."
In the other Steelers win, 38-35 in 2015, they blew a two-touchdown lead in the fourth quarter and saw Roethlisberger depart with an injured ankle. You might remember that injury setting up his legendary shred-the-Browns-in-relief-of-Landry-Jones game the following week.
If the wins were brutal, the losses were something far beyond. So let's process this. Let's summon each loss, in all its tortured horror, and thereby evoke the demons in an attempt to evict them. Or something like that. (Did I mention I've never done this before?)
Let us find some wisdom from each ...
Oct. 29, 2006, Oakland Coliseum: Raiders 20, Steelers 13
History: Roethlisberger was coming off a concussion the previous week, an emergency appendectomy the previous month and a motorcycle accident the previous summer. He played arguably the worst game of his career, throwing four interceptions, including one for a 100-yard touchdown. He even threw one to a guy named Fabian (Washington) against the 1-5 Raiders.
Words: "It just seems like one guy makes mistakes, and that's me. In my wildest dreams, I didn't think I'd be playing this bad." — Roethlisberger.
Wisdom: Don't play a guy who might still be concussed from the previous game.
Dec. 6, 2009, Heinz Field: Raiders 27, Steelers 24
History: You might remember this as the low point of Tomlin's "Unleash Hell" campaign. Tom Cable's 3-8 Raiders scored three fourth-quarter touchdowns behind one Bruce Gradkowski and waltzed out with an unfathomable win. Gradkowski had posted a 1.0 passer rating in his previous visit to Heinz Field. Oh, and Roethlisberger nearly completed a miracle pass to Sweed at the buzzer — 17 days shy of the 37th anniversary of the Immaculate Reception.
Words: "Our receivers coach [Sanjay Lal] gave us a message, and he brought up the Miracle on Ice, Buster Douglas knocking out [Mike] Tyson, and things that were just unbelievable but the people that did it believed they could." — Raiders receiver Todd Watkins.
Wisdom: Never give up three fourth-quarter touchdowns to a backup quarterback on your home field — and never lose to Tom Cable.
Sept. 23, 2012, Oakland Coliseum: Raiders 34, Steelers 31
History: Roethlisberger was incredible (36 of 49, 384 yards, four TDs), but the defense decidedly was not, playing without Troy Polamalu and James Harrison. Carson Palmer went wild, and the Raiders — who would finish 4-12 — outscored the Steelers 13-0 in the fourth quarter for coach Dennis Allen's first NFL win.
Words: "I'd like to tip my cap to the Oakland Raiders." — Tomlin
Wisdom: Pray your star defensive players stay healthy — and never lose to Dennis Allen.
Oct. 27, 2013, Oakland Coliseum: Raiders 21, Steelers 18
History: On the very first play, Terrelle Pryor ran 93 yards untouched for the longest quarterback touchdown run in NFL history. The rest is a blur, other than Shaun Suisham missing easy field goals. The Raiders would finish 4-12.
Words: "I don't think anybody was close to catching him. He's like a dad-gum gazelle out there." — Raiders guard Mike Brisiel on Pryor (surely a quote that would make Keith Butler proud).
Wisdom: Tackle the quarterback.
Dec. 9, 2018, Oakland Coliseum: Raiders 24, Steelers 21
History: Tomlin inexplicably kept a sort-of injured Roethlisberger on the sidelines as the Steelers were losing a lead, then put him in when the Raiders went ahead. The two later blamed an antiquated X-ray machine for their troubles, saying the images were not readable. A hook-and-lateral to JuJu Smith-Schuster set up a tying field goal attempt, but Chris Boswell fell flat on his rear end on the approach.
Words: "(Roethlisberger) probably could've come in a series or so sooner, but we were in a rhythm and flow of the game." — Tomlin, who was apparently watching a different game than the rest of us.
Wisdom: If your franchise quarterback is available, use him. And check the X-ray machines before every game.
Hope that helps. And it's true the Steelers might have begun to reverse the curse by foisting Mr. Big Chest upon the Raiders, where he subsequently tried to fight their general manager and was kicked off the team.
Lastly, you might be wondering where Guy Whimper fits into all this. He doesn't, really. I just happened to notice he was listed among the inactives for the Pryor debacle in 2013.
Lucky him.
