OK folks – this is not a drill – it looks like we’re going to war with Scotland.
Yes, our Celtic cousins are angry with us taking fish from the waters around Rockall.
And their chief fish dude has gone so far as to warn it would be “unwise for the Republic to pick a fight over this”.
Now, as Ireland and Scotland head for all-out war over a bunch of mackerel and some puffins freezing their arses off on a rock in the middle of the North Atlantic, these are obviously times for calm words.
There’s no need to escalate this row any further, even if we’re getting trash-talked by a sorry bunch of haggis-bothering, skirt-wearing, deep-fried-Mars-bar munching feckers who are still – by the way – being ruled from London by a bunch of posh Tories.
Oh yeah, Scotland, we’re quaking in our boots over here, given your record of military might against your other neighbours, the English.
Let’s see, there was yer man William Wallace – aka Braveheart – who defeated the English at Stirling Bridge in 1297 and who could forget Bannockburn in 1314?
Of course, the last 700 years haven’t exactly been a roaring success in the Not Being Ruled By England department.
And by the end of July, the man who is ultimately in charge of Scotland could very well be Boris feckin’ Johnson.
Believe us, Scotland, with that clown in charge and the whole Brexit shambles still going on, it isn’t the cod swimming around Rockall that you’ll be worrying about.
No, despite the best efforts of Scotland, Iceland and England, Rockall has always been and shall remain as Irish as a pint of stout and being unable to run a health service.
Sure it was St Patrick himself who visited the island and claimed it for Ireland, saying: “Here ye go now, lads. As long as ye hang on to this and some fields, ye will never be short of the makings of a fresh cod and chips.”
Seriously, Scotland, we’d love to help ye out here, but Rockall is 100% Irish – it says so in the Book Of Kells (in the back, just after the bit about Mayo footballers being cursed for eternity.)
