I've never been one for dramatic exaggerations - but Brexit is now officially worse than the Famine, Oliver Cromwell and the Black & Tans all rolled into one.
There might be some who say that when it comes to our treatment at the hands of posh British politicians - being bored to death is preferable to being starved to death.
But at least in 1847 we had the option of crossing the Atlantic to get away from the feckers.
And I’m here to tell you that at this stage, many of us would take a coffin ship over having to hear one more word from Theresa May, Boris Johnson or any of the rest of that shower of eejits.
On and on it goes. It feels like we’ve been going through Brexit since around the last time Johnny Logan won the Eurovision. And nothing ever really happens.
At the start of every week you here; “This is the week when there will finally be a decision, it has to happen by Thursday!”. And then they shout at each other for a bit, insult some Belgians, blame the Irish and it all goes back to square one.
The past two years have been a bit like opening your front door every morning to see your neighbour standing naked on the street, waving a vodka bottle and shouting abuse at the pigeons.
Irish unity debate 'on the horizon' due to Brexit, says Mary McAleese
You might start off feeling sorry for them. You think that maybe their family will get involved and get them the help they so obviously need. But when nobody does anything, you put a few calls into the health board, asking them to send around a couple of guys with a van and a big net.
So a lot of people that this is the week when finally, something has got to give. Thersesa May will quit. Or call an election. Or her party will gang up on her, lock her in a fridge and chuck her in the Thames (it’s what the smart money is on).
Time’s up, says the EU. This is it lads, way past final call in the Last Chance Saloon, have yiz no houses of Pariliament to go to?
Except that we know how this works now. These people have not the first feckin’ clue about what they want or how to get it. There’s about 37 different versions of Brexit, none of them work and nobody really wants any of them.
So if you’re listening, Lord and you really do love the Irish, make it stop. Please, God, just find a way to make something happen this week that puts us out of their misery.
And while you’re at it, any chance of an auld Eurovision win? It’s been years!
Patio power hose is the best Kar you can get
Sure, being a brain surgeon and saving people’s lives must be cool and everything. But could you really compare it to a couple of hours of going at a patio with a power washer?
This weekend saw all the Karchers come out of the sheds and garages for the first time this year, something of a religious experience for many of us.
Leo Varadkar under fire for sending fan letter to Kylie Minogue on official government paper
We live in crazy times. There’s a lot of confusion in this world. So there’s a lot to be said for the simple satisfaction of going at a filthy driveway or patio with a high-pressure jet of water. There’s no complexity, you just plumb in, point and pull the trigger. Lovely.
There are people who pay a fortune to therapists, fly all over the world to talk to gurus or study yoga and meditation. Entire schools of philosophers will study every possible angle and theory on the human condition.
But if you were to ask the Pope or the Dalai Lama, they’d tell you; “Lads - forget all that praying and and meditation. What you need is a Karcher K7 with the single multijet lance.
Two hours with that bad boy and you’ll never need Bhudda again!”
Yes folks, it really is that simple.
This Week I’m Loving - Sleep. Highly advisable.
This Week I’m Dreading - The Dentist. Why are they so bleedin expensive in Ireland?
Taoiseach Leo Varadkar calls for patience after latest Brexit vote defeat in London
