THE DERBY’S DONKEYS
Having finished second in six of their past eight matches in all competitions, Manchester City’s players have meekly acknowledged the Premier League title defence jig is up and said they need to get their act together if they are to even finish on the lowest step of the podium. “It’s essential to try and finish third,” said Joe Hart, after his team’s monotonously predictable yet slightly weird surrender in yesterday’s Manchester derby. “We’ve got to get our heads down and win these massive games.” Echoing – well, sort of para-echoing – the words of a compatriot on a similarly doomed title chase last season, the goalkeeper added: “We’ll think about it and we’ll go again.”
Now regular readers will be painfully aware the Fiver’s no expert on football, but we wouldn’t have thought City’s shortcomings should take too much mulling over, before Joe figures out in which direction his enormous, Nike-swaddled finger of blame should be pointing. But in the very unlikely event that Yaya, Samir, Eliaquim, Jesús and various other curiously unmotivated team-mates of Joe’s are in any way perturbed at being singled out, their recent performances show little in the way of stirring self-defence.
Like his manager, Manuel Pellegrini, Joe seems mystified by Manchester City’s shortcomings, although they seem fairly obvious to everybody else. In the past week alone, the Fiver has heard respected pundits such as Ray Wilkins, Gary Neville, Graeme Souness, Jamie Carragher, 147 white van drivers, five radio phone-in guests, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree point out that City’s players are clearly overpaid and lacking the appetite for the white-hot – or in some cases just mildly tepid - cauldron of football battle.
“It would be easier to win games if I knew what was wrong with us but we’ve played well and been unfortunate in some games,” said Joe in his post-match appraisal yesterday, prompting one to wonder how anyone with such a good view of the quite obvious lack of effort being put in by many of the team-mates in front of him could be so apparently deluded.
“It is very difficult to be in fourth place,” mused Pellegrini. “We have difficult teams in the Premier League.” Two of those difficult teams are Southampton and Liverpool, who are five and seven points behind City respectively, with the Merseyside outfit likely to reduce the gap to four with a win in their game in hand against beleaguered Newcastle this evening. On current form you’d bet your house on City qualifying for European football next season, although the competition in which they’ll feature remains uncertain.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I wanted to be a soccer player, and I became the best of the best, the number one, better than Maradona, better than Pelé, and even better than Messi – but only at night, night time, during my dreams. When I woke up, I realised that I have wooden legs and that I’m doomed to be a writer” – Eduardo Galeano, RIP.
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BITS AND BOBS
Didier Drogba will be continuing his battle with the forces of gravity for one more year - though not necessarily at Chelsea. “I have made a decision, yes. And no, this is not my last season,” he tumbled.
The FA have asked QPR whether it was really necessary for one of their fans to offer Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic a light via the medium of throwing a lighter at his head on Sunday.
Andy Awford’s Portsmouth record of two wins in 10 games has earned him a go on the big Do One ride at the local funfair.
Bayer Leverkusen have located Emir Spahic’s hook and slung it for him after he got into a discussion with the club’s security guards that led to him making one or two points with his forehead and fists.
Johan Djourou pockets are to be lightened after he was allegedly involved in a half-time altercation with his Hamburg team-mate Valon Behrami that involved “shoes flying through the air”. “There was an emotional dispute,” sniffed a club suit.
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STILL WANT MORE?
Michael Cox thought the Manchester derby was full of unorthodox No10s and that Marouane Fellaini stood head and shoulders above the rest (sorry). And so he wrote about it.
Want to know how Aldo ‘Buff’ Donelli drew first blood in USA’s rivalry with Mexico? Course you do. Here’s Michael Lewis to enlighten your ignorant selves.
Whether you want to read about England hopefuls or just feel like letting rip below the line, this Premier League talking points piece should have you covered.
An actual competition that you might want to enter: win (home) tickets to Chelsea v Manchester United! Woof!
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