"No one knows just what the future holds," sang S Club 7 – a band who were not JLS. But JLS are JLS, and have announced that they will be splitting up at the end of their forthcoming greatest hits tour. And we do know just what their future holds. Namely:
November 2013
JLS release their final single, a double-A side featuring a brand-new song so immensely incredible that people start thinking they don't want the band to split after all, and a cover of Living In a Box's Room in Your Heart.
December 2013
JLS embark on their farewell tour. Merchandise includes a new range of JLS condoms with a commemorative "black armband"-style design.
February 2014
Aston announces the summer release of his debut single, which will finally happen after numerous attempts to position him as a relevant urban artist. (This means he does a mixtape and an acoustic session for SB.TV.)
March 2014
Oritsé eats an apple.
April 2014
Having already established his farming aspirations on a Countryfile appearance in April 2013, JB stages an ambitious takeover of Yeo Valley, impressed by the way their plastic bottles have handles whose inside seams do not hurt your hand. He realises too late that he was actually thinking of Cravendale, but continues with the takeover anyway, insisting that Yeo Valley's adverts continue to feature boyband farmers.
May 2014
Marvin's Capital FM show – which started in April 2013 – proves such a success that he becomes the network's new drivetime host, setting in motion a new career path that sees him become the UK's answer to Ryan Seacrest.
July 2014
While Oritsé eats his second apple of the year, Aston's single is kept off No 1 by JB's dairy farmers, with their debut single Teat Again.
August 2014
Aston's debut album is released. In an attempt to provide continuity for JLS fans it contains three excellent songs and eight average ones.
September 2014
Marvin's Seacrestisation is complete when he and wife Rochelle are chosen as the hosts of Pop Idol, which returns to UK screens following the cancellation of The X Factor.
October 2014
Aston's album hits No 1 in Poland and nobody knows why.
January 2015
Oritsé eats an apple on Celebrity Big Brother.
April 2015
JLS sign up for The X Reunion, in which they regroup alongside other X Factor artists who have also fallen apart: Same Difference, the Unconventionals, Little Mix and Christopher Maloney.
