Late-night hosts weighed in on the results of the New Hampshire primary and criticised Donald Trump for his “transparently vindictive” revenge plot.
Jimmy Kimmel
Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg came out on top of this week’s primary in New Hampshire and on Jimmy Kimmel Live! the host referred to an older Jewish man taking on a younger gay man as similar to “an uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner”.
But Kimmel noted that Iowa and New Hampshire were not the best places to start. “Neither state is demographically representative of anything other than a Jimmy Buffet concert,” he said.
Picking a frontrunner so far is “like picking a plastic surgeon based on two Yelp reviews”, he joked.
One of New Hampshire’s surprise losers was 77-year-old Joe Biden who saw 78-year-old Sanders lead the way which Kimmel said had “to feel like getting dumped by a woman and then seeing her on a date with your uncle”.
He also briefly summarised Trump’s latest misadventures, which include taking revenge on anyone who was involved in his impeachment. “Why do I get the feeling we’re gonna have to impeach this guy two more times before the election?” he said. “He’s going for a three-peach.”
A word that Trump has been using yet again, one of his favourites, is disgrace. “Trump loves to disgrace us with his presence,” Kimmel said.
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert spoke about New Hampshire and ran through the different candidates, assessing how they did. Another disappointment was Elizabeth Warren, who came in fourth. At her party she served Swedish meatballs and brisket.
“That’s a lot of meat,” Colbert noted. “Did they let her dog Bailey place the order?”
One of Biden’s campaign staff expressed concern over the result, calling it “horrendous” and saying that they were all “scared”.
“It’s not great when your campaign sounds like a civil war letter home,” he joked.
The night also saw a number of candidates drop out of the race, including Deval Patrick. “This was shocking to all the voters who had no idea he’d dropped into the presidential race,” he said.
Samantha Bee
On Full Frontal, Samantha Bee spoke about the surprise third place for Amy Klobuchar, described by one news network as a “monstrous surge”.
“Does that mean she beat everyone else or beat everyone else up?” Bee asked.
She joked that her success will lead to a film called The Devil Wears Kohl’s before moving on to Trump’s brewing revenge, referring to him as “a dumpster Uma Thurman in Kill Bill”.
Trump has been firing those who spoke out against him, including Alexander Vindman as well as his twin brother who had nothing to do with the impeachment inquiry, “a transparently vindictive move” said Bee.
“It’s the kind of thing that dictators do although it’s hard to tell how much of Trump is dictator and how much is just a dick,” she joked.
Trump made a bizarre suggestion that Nancy Pelosi prayed to Satan which Bee said would make her “10 times cooler” if true.
“If Trump is re-elected this November, it makes sense that anyone who spoke out against him could be vulnerable to retaliation,” she said. “I know I’m scared and I just host a TV show that he doesn’t watch.”
Trevor Noah
Unlike Iowa, we actually have results from the New Hampshire primary! 🎊 pic.twitter.com/L5YP6o1bjF
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 13, 2020
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah said it has been “the best night for Bernie Sanders since he won that free cruise on Noah’s ark”.
He went on to say that Klobuchar’s late surge was in fact the perfect strategy. “In many ways the presidential campaigns are like getting drunk at a party,” he said. “You want to peak at the right time. See, the other candidates had their surge last year which was too early. It’s like getting wasted at 6pm.”
Noah then spoke of Biden’s decision to leave the state before the polls had closed after disappointing results. “Joe Biden left New Hampshire before the polls were even closed?” he said. “I mean, I’ve heard of fans leaving the game early but you know it’s bad when the team leaves early to beat the traffic.”
Biden moved on to South Carolina, a more diverse state than Iowa and New Hampshire, and used his popularity with black voters during a speech. “Joe Biden’s campaign has basically become a Madea movie,” Noah said. “If black people don’t turn up, it’s toast.”
