Jimmy Kimmel
Late-night hosts appeared generally jubilant on Monday evening, the first night of shows since American networks called the election for former vice-president Joe Biden on Saturday. “Darth Tax Evader has been toppled, and America responded with a dance party,” said Jimmy Kimmel before a montage of Americans from New York to Los Angeles dancing in the streets to celebrate Trump’s defeat.
“Meanwhile, our out-of-touch-with-reality host is not letting go,” said Kimmel. “He is both melting and doubling down on his claim that the election was stolen from him” with baseless claims of voter fraud that have been roundly dismissed in court.
Nevertheless, the Trump campaign is “getting all the sycophants on board to question the integrity of the election” although that of course does not include the Republican House and Senate seats won with the same ballots. “I wonder why that is?” Kimmel deadpanned. “Why would the Democrats have cheated and stolen the presidency but given up the Senate and House seats on the same ballot? Is it like when you cheat on a test and you get a few wrong just to throw the teacher off the scent? Are we supposed to believe there’s a universe in which Nancy Pelosi could’ve sent Mitch McConnell back to the exotic pets store he came from and she chose not to?
“Listen, I get that this is hard for Donald Trump,” Kimmel conceded. “Processing a loss like this is gonna take time. I mean, this is the first time he’s ever failed at anything – besides his casinos, his airline, his mortgage, Trump steaks, Trump university, Trump magazine, Donald Jr, Eric, etc.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert celebrated Biden’s victory with a T-shirt cannon, glasses of champagne, and footage of jubilant parties across the US. Though Trump has refused to concede the election, shattering precedent, and congressional Republicans have almost uniformly fallen in line behind him, “it’s over,” said Colbert.
The news of Trump’s defeat brought tears of relief and joy, Colbert revealed, especially for the long list of things to look forward to: extra brain space, a chance to be nicer. “I tend to reflect back the national tone, and that tone comes from the top,” Colbert explained. “The president’s only emotions are angry, look-at-me, and ‘I’m angry you’re not looking at me,’ and because he was the only thing we were focused on for the last four years – and this is entirely my responsibility – I’ve done harsher jokes than I’ve ever done in my entire life.”
But mostly, Colbert was “looking forward to the idea of knowing things again”.
“We’ve spent the last four years debating the value of the Enlightenment with a reality show host,” he added. “If the president were there when the apple hit Newton on the head, he would’ve called gravity a ‘Chinese hoax’ and the apple ‘Tim Apple’.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers tallied the many upsides to a Joe Biden presidency: “in addition to preserving what’s left of our democracy, reversing four years of malicious racism, savagery and criminal neglect, getting rid of Trump is just a quality of life issue,” he said, “like calling 311 about a jackhammer outside of your apartment.
“And clearly I’m not the only one indulging myself in the joy and catharsis of seeing this deeply wretched husk of a man thrown out on his ass,” he added before footage of ecstatic election celebrations across the country. Meanwhile, on Fox News, Tucker Carlson tried to sow fear over the president-elect: “There is no Joe Biden. The man you remember from the 1980s is gone. He no longer exists. What remains is a projection of sorts, a hologram designed to mimic the behavior of a non-threatening political candidate.”
Meyers responded: “By the way, to anyone who thought things were going to go back to normal once Trump was gone, just a reminder: Fox News called Biden a hologram who wants to force you to drink Starbucks, and he’s been president-elect for two days.
“Can you imagine what it’s going to be like when Biden’s actually in office if Republicans hang on to control the Senate? Who knows if they’ll even let him have a cabinet? Sean Hannity will probably accuse Biden of building a Soros-funded Amtrak station on the moon.”
Trevor Noah
Nice to see Trump graciously conceded the election to Biden with dign… nah he lost his s**t while his lawyers held a press conference outside Four Seasons Total Landscaping. pic.twitter.com/kdBYE8wGb1
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) November 10, 2020
And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah recapped the Republican blitz of laughably evidence-free claims of election fraud, which have been dismissed in courts from Michigan to Pennsylvania. “Are these guys kidding us? This was so batshit, I caught coronavirus just listening to it,” Noah said of some of the attempts to delegitimize the election.
The GOP’s false cries of foul play are especially ironic, said Noah, because “America’s whole system is rigged – to help Donald Trump. The man lost by 4 million popular votes and still had a chance to win the electoral college. How does that make sense? The only person Donald Trump should be mad at is himself, because he started on third base and still somehow lost the game.
“Maybe Trump will decide to concede eventually,” he later added. “Or, hey, maybe he won’t. That actually doesn’t really matter either way because it’s not his decision to make. Joe Biden is going to become president on January 20, and Trump’s opinion on that counts for exactly one vote. Same as any other vote in America. And I know it’s hard to believe but after all this time, it seems like reality has finally caught up with Donald Trump.”
