BIG CUP, BIG KICK-OFF, BIG ROW
The Scottish season started only last weekend, while the one in England doesn’t kick off until Saturday, but Big Cup has already been going for several months, is what it feels like. The Queen’s Celtic were back at work ages ago, and have been hard at it over two qualifying rounds, scraping past Basingstoke Town then a team from the Dog & Duck (the darts team, to be specific, the lads who play five-a-side had blistering headaches). So well done to Ronny Deila and his men for a successful fast start. They’ve been rewarded for their efforts with a final qualifying tie against Malmo, 1979 finalists and reigning champions of Sweden. Not the worst draw, given Malmo currently lie a modest sixth in the Allsvenskan, and a trip to Scandinavia is much less of a schlep than, say, Kazakhstan. But this is a club that put Pope’s O’Rangers out of these qualifiers in 2011, and won 7-0 at Hibs in Big Vase a couple of years later. We’d suggest Deila is facing his own personal Artmedia Bratislava, but he’s already got one of those in Maribor.
Manchester United were also in Friday morning’s draw for the final qualifying round. Unlike the champions of Scotland, they didn’t have to lift a finger to get there, having finished miles off the pace in the Premier League last season, which is more of an achievement according to someone at Uefa who knows how to perform jiggery pokery in Excel. United could have been lumbered with Monaco, who put Arsenal out in the Round of Arsenal last season. Or they could have been paired with Lazio, whose encounters with English teams in Europe usually end up either in stadium riots (Ipswich Town) or brawls which spill out from restaurants and into the street (poor old Arsenal again). But instead United have lucked out with 1978 finalists Club Brugge, who topped the Belgian league last season only to lose out in the convoluted championship play-off, and have already been defeated by newly promoted Sint-Truiden this time round. Belgian beanpole Obbi Oularé, a 19-year-old striker on United’s scouting radar, might give Sam Johnstone and his defenders a bit of briefly interesting bother, perhaps, but you know how these seeded qualifiers usually pan out in the end.
Anyway, just to clarify, yes, that’s Sam Johnstone. The former Firewall FC, Walsall, Yeovil, Doncaster and Preston keeper is hotly tipped to be named in United’s starting XI for their season opener against Tottenham Hotspur, then remain in the side until Louis van Gaal buys a big-name keeper or makes up with Victor Valdés, a rapprochement currently scheduled for the fifth of never. This is because David de Gea is all over the place. Specifically Madrid and Coventry, his heart with the former, his body accordingly sent to the latter. “He shall not play,” announced Van Gaal, having decided that the keeper “cannot manage” the distraction of a possible move to the Bernabéu. And it’s rumoured that Johnstone will get the gig ahead of Sergio Romero, having played in all four of United’s glorified training sessions in USA! USA!! USA!!!, while the Argentina international has had his feet up since the Copa América. So that’s the English season minus one day old, and already Van Gaal has fallen out with two of his goalkeepers. And there’s us thinking José Mourinho had been quick out of the blocks when it came to starting pointless arguments.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t believe that what he said is true and I told him that. I spoke with him and I explained the situation. I said football has changed and the football now is modern and I can adapt. It is not just about crossing, I can score normal goals too. I told him I am not afraid. If Liverpool bought me then they know how to use me” – Christian Benteke reveals that he educated Tactics Tim as to how the game has evolved. The Fiver can only imagine how well that went down.
PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEWS
Our season guides canter to a close, with Jacob Steinberg blowing West Ham-shaped bubbles (plus video), and Ian McCourt giving West Brom’s chances a gander (plus video).
FIVER LETTERS
“I see Everton are looking to bring in Tomas Andrade. Pretty foolish as the last thing Bobby Martínez needs is someone else to bring his field theory back down to earth” – Michael Turner.
“It’s a fine line between snark and poor taste but you manage to avoid embarrassing yourself most of the time. However, your poking fun at a player who badly injures himself ain’t funny. I’m not even an Arsenal supporter but I can spot an unfair jab at someone who tries his hardest. Part of the reason Wilshere injures himself (yesterday’s Fiver) is because he isn’t afraid to tackle – even if it puts himself at risk. You can’t say that about everybody, unfortunately. How often have you snapped a bone sitting in front of your laptop, Mr Fearless Journalist? Keep up the good work, but watch out for those split infinitives. Paper cuts can be nasty, too” – David Read.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Michael Turner.
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsène Wenger reckons it will be four weeks before ankle-knack’s Jack Wilshere is fit enough to get knacked again.
Manuel Pellegrini has inked a two-year extension to his Manchester City contract. “I am very pleased to have agreed this,” he sighed.
Aitor Karanka is fast developing a Teesside twang after signing a new four-year deal at Middlesbrough. “I know that I am in the right place with the right people at the right moment,” cheered the Spaniard, buckled wi lawa.
West Brom don’t want to live in a world where Brown Ideye is their record signing any longer, and plan to shell out £15m on Zenit’s Salomón Rondón.
“No game for us? No strike for them.” ADO Den Haag fans showed an epic lack of solidarity by arranging a rowdy drinking session in the Hague’s old town square to force striking Dutch plod to work, after five Eredivisie opening-day matches were called off due to industrial action.
Crystal Palace have told Bournemouth to do one after the club came knocking with a £3m bid for striker Glenn Murray.
And there’s still hope for your team after Milan vice-chief suit Adriano Galliani said Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s “surprise” move was unlikely to take him to San Siro. “There’s a one in a million chance that he’ll come,” he said, being quite specific about it.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nick Miller and Michael Butler have joined forces for this week’s Joy of Six on fictional football, featuring Julio Geordio, Billy the Fish and Steve Bruce’s trilogy: Striker! Defender! Sweeper!
Jonathan Wilson explains why Premier League clubs are ruining everyone else’s fun by stock-piling talent from further afield.
Ten things is back, baby. Why? Because Premier League, Nick Ames and Gregg Bakowski.
Louise Taylor loves a bargain. And she reckons there are five new Premier League stars that will prove excellent value for money.
Do you like colourful graphics, charts, graphs? Because we’ve got a bucketload of them explaining the numbers behind the off-season Premier League transfers.
Do you like lists (of Premier League transfers)? You get the idea.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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