When will Jerry Seinfeld learn about hugging? Given that his celebrated sitcom’s unsentimental tone was based on their “no hugging, no learning” writers’ room maxim, possibly never. And, clearly, time is running out if a recent encounter with Kesha is anything to go by.
Seinfeld was being interviewed by US radio host Tommy McFly at an event in Washington DC on Tuesday, when the pop star interrupted them to announce: “Oh my gosh, I love you so much.”
“Oh, thanks,” said Jerry.
”Can I give you a hug?” asked Kesha.
“No, thanks,” Seinfeld said.
Misunderstanding his refusal, Kesha asked him again and again, and then just went in for the hug, causing the comedy gazillionaire to stagger backwards to avoid it. Kesha, defeated, left, before Seinfeld announced: “I don’t know who that was.”
He may be a hardliner, but Jerry isn’t alone in his belief that hugging is the source of all social evil. He is, however, wrong about learning. Even in a topsy-turvy modern world, most of us can navigate hugging’s thicket of ambiguities by following a few simple rules.
• At the end of your trial, it is inappropriate to hug any judge above county-court level. Jurors will appreciate a raised hand, and a mouthed “Thanks”. One’s own counsel can be hugged – it’s included in the fees, and given the size of those fees, it’s often possible to negotiate a bit of head massage, too.
• When hugging someone from another culture, remember that many cultures have very different rules around bodily contact. Inuit rub noses. The French do the air-kiss bisou. Italians prefer full hug penetration. If you’re unsure, simply go in for the hug while simultaneously issuing these helpful instructions: “Relax upper torso, open arms, tilt face to side, aim across chest, clinch arms, more pressure, relax arms, straighten back, arms to sides.”
• Length counts. Lingering hugs can often be cues to go in for the kiss. It’s a subtle art, though, so pay careful attention to Aunt Janice’s timings.
• Couples on a first date should start with a side-hug, then discuss.
• Men who turn up in social situations finagling hugs from women they know only vaguely should be hugged solely to identify them to the police.
• The phrase “Give me hugs not drugs” may have adorned many a bumper sticker in the 90s, but sadly, hugs are still not accepted in payment for gangland drug debts. Try cash or stolen iPhones.
• When breaking up with someone, hug on the way into the conversation; on the way out, just ruffle their hair like you would a naughty six-year-old.
• Bad news that can’t be delivered with a hug: I’ve got syphilis. Your ribs are broken. She was crushed to death by a python.
