Jermain Defoe

Brian Corcoran has adapated the work of Chip Tha Ripper to fine effect for this effort Photograph: n/a

"Even with a little help from 'Arry, 5ft 6in, thrill-seeking Jermain will be lucky to sneak in to the Top Four at the Premier League Funfair," chortles Jason Teasdale Photograph: a/n

"Jermain felt that it was all starting to get a little out of hand," says Jason Froggett referring to the striker's recent (unjustified) stops by the police Photograph: n/a

We think the man who doesn't look much like Jermain in this picture is Willem Dafoe, but his head is very small. "With his current form for club and country, German Dafoe can be forgiven for having his head in the clouds," cackles Chris Hewlett Photograph: n/a

"Reports of a training ground rift between Tottenham's striking duo are being strenuously denied by staff at the club," news tickers Niel Butler Photograph: n/a

"Rather than get carried away with his flying start, Jermain takes time out to update plan B," says mirth-mongery's Mat Owen Photograph: n/a

"For those who are not regular readers of Nuts magazine the god-loving virgins shown here are Jermain's old Sunday school friends; Chantelle, Charlotte, Aisleyne and Danielle," hallelujahs Dominic Stansfield Photograph: n/a

More heightism. This time courtesy of Lee Jackson. "Jermain was in for a nasty surprise as the giant waited to pounce, but luckily he saw its head and feet popping out from around the corner ..." Photograph: n/a

"After Jermain's recent spat with the Old Bill, he joins up with fellow renegade Spurs, Ice Knee and Lazy-D to re-record the classic 80s hip-hop protest song," honks Darren Smith Photograph: n/a

James Skelly reckons that with Crouchy on his side, little Jermain will never be out of his depth Photograph: n/a