Age: 64.
Appearance: The Ghost of Fassbender Future.
The actor? Yes, that Jeremy Irons. The one with an Oscar and a penchant for bold political statements.
Such as? Describing smokers as "a minority that cannot speak back", worthy of the same protection as "handicapped people and children". Or calling the fox-hunting ban "one of the two most devastating parliamentary votes in the last century". Or arguing: "If a man puts his hand on a woman's bottom, any woman worth her salt can deal with it."
Classy. And what has he done now? Voiced a truly bizarre objection to gay marriage.
How bizarre are we talking here? Extremely, utterly and bafflingly. As bizarre as a bursar at a bazaar buying basalt for Bashar al-Assad. So bizarre it can be seen from space.
What did he say? "Tax-wise, it's an interesting one, because, you see, could a father not marry his son?"
I'm sorry? It's exactly as it sounds. Jeremy Irons is worried dads will marry their sons. For tax reasons.
Does he think that mums marry their sons for tax reasons at the moment? No, of course he doesn't.
Because? Because there are laws against that kind of thing.
He doesn't think there might also be very similar laws against marriages between fathers and sons? How could there be?
How could there not be? Because, as Irons went on to explain: "It's not incest between men. Incest is there to protect us from inbreeding. But men don't breed, so incest wouldn't cover that. So if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties I could marry my son and pass on my estate to him."
Ah, faultless legal reasoning. He's clearly given this a lot of thought. Well, he is a thoughtful guy. He went on to explain he was speaking as "a man who has a dog that he loves", and added: "Living with another animal – whether it be a husband or a dog – is great."
Do say: "There's a rumour Jeremy Irons wants to marry his dog ..."
Don't say: "... he says for love, the dog says for tax reasons."
