MAGPIE-EYED
Rafael Benítez has a long and glorious list of achievements, the most impressive of which are: making it possible for Djinkin’ Djimi Traoré, Josemi and Antonio Núñez to pass lie detector tests when calling themselves Big Cup winners; not flipping two fingers at Chelsea fans when presenting them with Big Vase; and surviving countless business meetings with Mike Ashley.
It was claimed at London’s high court on Monday that Newcastle’s owner has been known to prostrate himself and sleep under tables during meetings he finds boring and that he has occasionally sought to liven up such encounters by reworking them as impromptu drinkathons. This behaviour, it was alleged, “flies in the face of business orthodoxy”. Ashley may yet dispute those claims. Weird Uncle Fiver certainly does, because it sounds like standard operating procedure to him.
Whatever, it takes more than that to unsettle Benítez. It’s true that there were rumblings of discontent around St James’ Park earlier this summer but nothing that barfing into a fireplace couldn’t solve. Benítez takes a slightly different approach, mind you: it seems that whenever Ashley starts snoring or pouring, the Spaniard does what he did during Liverpool’s Big Cup semi-final victory over Chelsea in 2007 – sits himself on the floor in the lotus position and just waits for his adversary to choke. Benítez wangled about a dozen players out of Ashley last season to gain promotion from the Championship and he also secured the appointment of a new head of recruitment.
Tuesday brought further evidence of Benítez’s ability to outlast Ashley, as Newcastle completed an £8.6m deal to sign Eibar’s Florian Lejeune, whose arrival evokes memories of the days when St James’ was lit up by the flair of unique French talents such as Laurent Robert, Jean-Alain Boumsong and the tuxedo of Florian Thauvin. “He is a player that has done very well this year in Spain,” cheered Benítez. “He has progressed a lot as a player in the last few years and I know he will give us something different at the back – he is good with both feet, he’s big and he’s good in the air also.” With Christian Atsu already in the bag, Newcastle have now signed two players since gaining promotion, which leaves them just eight to 10 short of the number Benítez said he needed for his latest attempt to finish above Brighton.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Real Madrid could come in for the gaffer over the next six months, you never know” – it’s probably fair to say Scott Brown’s name won’t be in one of Brendan’s naughty envelopes at the end of the season after massaging the Queen’s Celtic’s boss’s ego with this zinger.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s your boy, David Squires, on the time Newcastle threw away the 1996 title.
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FIVER LETTERS
“If Endsleigh League John Terry is suggesting he didn’t join a Premier League club because he didn’t want to play against Chelsea (yesterday’s Fiver), he does not paint his Mr 15% in a very good light. I feel sure that in these days of image rights, release clauses, etc, the simple insertion of a ‘non-playing against Chelsea’ clause in his contract would have sufficed, thus allowing the clamouring top-flight clubs to fight it out for his signature. If this was overlooked in negotiations and ELJT wants to consider his options, I am available and quite willing to be his Mr 2%, provided it includes his current contract and not just future contract negotiations, which may not be very fertile ground” – Steve Lacey.
“Amid all general guffawing at the state of Aston Villa’s announcement that ELJT will be wearing one of their substitutes’ bibs next season, perhaps the saddest part of all was missed. One attempted punchline was the proclamation of ELJT as the club’s ‘greatest ever defender’, at which Martin Laursen, Olof Mellberg and Paul McGrath all leave the group. However, this line was attributed to Gabby Agbonlahor, perhaps the player who most embodies the long-term decline of the club: having been quite good for Martin O’Neill, less good under Gérard Houllier, less good still for Alex McLeish, slightly better under Paul Lambert, then rubbish for Tactics Tim, Rémi Garde and Roberto Di Matteo, before failing to get a proper look-in with Bernard Cribbins. The fact that Agbonlahor is credited with praising a move I’d imagine a lot of Villa fans were less than elated about makes this, in some ways, the best WhatsApp-based online player unveiling there has ever been” – Ed Taylor.
“The Fiver is a sometimes tea-timely publication which has, on occasion, raised a half-smile on some of its long suffering readers’ troubled faces over the years through the medium of wit. Said wit has only ever been found in the readers’ letters section though, despite the best effort of your Tin-soaked office keyboards, so to be presented with a picture of paint drying in there (yesterday’s Fiver letters) has in one swift stroke (pun intended) alienated yourself from your most productive source of humour. It is hurtful to be brushed (yes …) aside in such fashion but may I submit that myself and 1,056 other readers can be appeased if you have a plan to roll (er, tenuous at best ) out some new witty talent in the near future?” – Simon Toms.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Lacey.
BITS AND BOBS
The Fiver’s sushi-eating, karaoke-singing, origami-bothering, painfully polite Japanese cousin, bonsai ファイバー, got in touch to tell us that Lukas Podolski has bolstered his bank account by joining J-League side Vissel Kobe.
Vicente Iborra is just a successful cough for the doctor away from joining Leicester from Sevilla for £12m.
Winger Connor Mahoney has moved to Bournemouth from Blackeye Rovers. “I’m a young, hungry player, who wants to attack and get past my man. I like to get fans off their seat and I’m trying to make my way in the game,” yelped Mahoney, getting an impromptu game of What Am I? going.
Swansea midfielder Ki Sung-yueng will miss the start of the season after undergoing surgery to fix knee-knack suffered on international duty with South Korea.
Crystal Palace are having a bit of bother with their pitch, but have sniffed out a solution in the form of liquid garlic. “Think of your garlic at home and times that by 100,” parped head groundsman Bruce Elliott. “We have a problem with nematodes, which are microscopic, parasitic worm-like creatures that live within the root zone. It can distort the roots system and creates a weak plant that is susceptible to disease and wear and tear.”
And Jens Lehmann is set to rejoin Arsenal as a kind of coaching Bez.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Here’s Paul Doyle to give us a Linfield history lesson before a potentially politically feisty tie with the Queen’s Celtic in Big Cup.
England’s Laura Bassett is heading to the Euros without a club but with a warning for the women’s game, writes Suzanne Wrack.
Paul Wilson on what Everton hope to achieve by spending loads of dosh before most clubs are back off their jollies.
Ben McAleer on whether Liverpool should jazz £70m of their telly-cash on Naby Keïta.
Samuel Rooke on the late Louis Nicollin, who made a stack of cash, bought fourth-tier Montpellier and took them to the Ligue 1 title, all while having a go at rivals, collecting 5,000 football shirts and hating Newcastle, obviously.
Simon Burnton on why only practise will help refs make fewer b@lls-ups with VAR.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
