April 01--Jason Vincent, the former Nightwood chef, is never at a loss for a quick quip, but he appears to have outdone himself with the release for his latest project, which he shared with us exclusively.
He wanted to be sure we announced this today, for whatever reason.
For immediate release:
Chef Jason Vincent's super-annoying PR team is thrilled to announce what is almost kinda sure to be the hottest restaurant of the next three weeks or so!
After years of curating a beautiful symphony of disparaging remarks about ethnic cuisine, Chef Jason has finally realized that it's trendy, so he has spent decades travelling around the world to understand cuisine on its own terms. Jason returns to Chicago carrying with him the next wave of dining. He alone holds the key to the evolution of the very act of eating.
He will create something of an abomination that will literally purge your wallet of its hateful contents and starve away what you thought you knew about food.
The setting is a sleek room made entirely of sleek, and designed by none other than Jason's mom. The address will be known to you only after you've paid the bill, but then forever. Diners, if deemed acceptable, will be served a nightly (often never) changing menu of wild-foraged, farm-raised, fried chicken-ramen-doughnut-taco-sliders!
Someone whom Chef Jason has never met will forage the farm-raised ramen tacos from local sources, unless we can get them cheaper from somewhere else.
Never one to be satisfied by keeping guests happy, Chef Jason has devised a wonderfully awkward system of lengthening the time spent with total strangers before there's a potty break. This will include a tour of the restaurant, followed by a tour of Jason's car, after which the guests probably will be able to smell some dinner, after which they might be fed some bugs.
We like to call this system "the worst communal table ever." Fun!
For reservations, Chef Jason Vincent will be using a ticketing system which, much like a sporting event, will force you to stand in line to watch the Cubs lose and there are no tables.
Chef Jason Vincent has gone to great lengths to devise a system of field growth that only we use. Its results are far and away the least confrontational and what we see as the future of lazy food.
We have gone beyond organic, and into "ergonomic." It's a system in which no one who is working with the food is asked to bend at the waist angled anywhere beyond a "slouch" or a "lean." We have programmed an app into the phones of all employees that will play their favorite song once they achieve optimal lean. It can also receive texts from their friends and stream old Kiss concerts. So, be glad that they are staring blissfully into their blue screens.
After all, it's for the ergonomics of your food.
Speaking of our service staff, we have created all three paragraphs of their training manual completely out of gifs from 80's hip hop movies. We feel that this will help us curate an edgy, yet sleek, urban vibe in yo' face, ozone! Aiiiiight? See?
We can't wait to take care of your money at Jason's new place, where hospitality is our number-one priority.
pvettel@tribpub.com
