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Hi, Jason (1). Are you speaking from your Swiss prison cell?
Come on, I’m not gonna use my one phone call to speak to the Guardian, am I? I’m not Russell Brand. No fella, I’m out. Just released. No luck digging my way out. That Mexican drug lord made it look easy.
Called my lawyer in the end. After 10 years of Premier League shenanigans, getting stuck in a foreign prison isn’t the biggest challenge I’ve thrown him.
Why did Blatter call security when you tried to bung him a massive wedge of dosh?
If you listen carefully, he actually says: “Where’s my security… van?” It’s standard procedure to cart away any bribe. He then puts it straight in a Swiss bank account – or as it’s known out there – a bank account.
After you showered Blatter with dollars, he said: “We have to clean here first.” Does he have so much money, he sweeps the overspill into the bin?
Doesn’t everyone? I think he was talking about just giving the room a bit of a once-over. You know how neurotic them Swiss are about cleanliness.
Blatter added: “This has nothing to do with football.” Surely football and money go hand-in-hand like, erm, a Premier League footballer and someone else’s WAG?
Of course they do. That’s why I got into football in the first place. I think Blatter just struggled with his English. He meant to say: “This has everything to do with football.”They don’t usually invite players to speak at Fifa press conferences. How did you barge in?
It wasn’t easy to get Fifa to agree. You need to fill in a form and include four fat, brown envelopes, if you know what I mean?
You were representing North Korea’s bid for the World Cup 2026. How come?
When my agent told me Kim wanted to do business, I assumed another Kardashian sex tape was in the offing. Turns out it was world-renowned dictator and supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, Kim Jong-un on the blower. He offered me £4m to bribe – I mean persuade – Fifa to award the 2026 World Cup to North Korea, and $800 in cash to chuck at Blatter, which is half the GDP of North Korea.What happened after you got carted off stage? Did they beat you to a pulp?
No, the Swiss police were top lads. They could hardly keep up. It’s all those Toblerones (2). Plus they only carry Swiss army knives. What would they have done? Prodded me with a corkscrew and burned me with a tiny magnifying glass?
Footballers usually get arrested for misdemeanours such as reckless driving and money-laundering. Do you excel at those too?
110%. I’m the complete Premier League footballer package. Right now, I’m drunk, high, with a case of untaxed cash ready to bet on a match I’m fixing.
Robbie Fowler says he never looked at his football contract. Gazza’s stipulated that he must live close to a fishing lake. Stefan Schwarz’s banned him from travelling into space. What’s in yours?
Other than a few lines of nose candy left over from when I celebrated signing it, I’m with Robbie here. Never given mine a look. What’s the point in paying my agent £10m a year if he’s not gonna at least pretend to read it?
Did you see that Lee Nelson (3) bloke invade Kanye West’s set (4) at Glastonbury?
Yeah, I did, it wasn’t funny in the slightest. That guy’s a moron.
Who might you prank next?
It’s going to be hard to find another target with as good a sense of humour as I’m hoping Fifa will have when this case goes to court (5).
Footnotes
(1) Jason Bent is the comic creation of comedian Simon Brodkin.
(2) Mmmmm, Toblerone.
(3) Lee Nelson is also a comic character played by Brodkin.
(4) So neither Jason Bent nor Lee Nelson are real. Got it?
(5) Brodkin was held by Swiss police and is likely to be charged for trespassing. Still, as David Brent says, you can’t put a price on comedy, eh?
